Jar Jar: The Ultimate Hero
by Onimiman
Summary: Sequel to Plinkett's Poppers and Defel: The Wraith Killer. In the final entry to the Space Cop trilogy, Space Cop and friends will have to stop a galactic civil war with a Chuck Norris-like Jar Jar Binks at their side!
1. Chapter 1

On Shedu Maad, the Sith Meditation Sphere known as Ship descended from the planet's heavens with two Jedi StealthX fighters flying at either side. The three ships landed several miles from the Jedi Order's Academy, allowing for Ship itself to disembark its sole passenger.

A boarding ramp unfurled from Ship's rear and Vestara Khai used it to exit the Sphere. Her booted feet hadn't even touched the ground before the pilots of the StealthXs - a gray-furred male Yuzzem and a female Givin - popped open their vessels' canopies and used the Force to launch themselves from their seats. They landed swiftly on their feet, meters away from Vestara on either side, their lightsabers ablaze.

Now standing on Shedu Maad's soil, Vestara rolled her eyes in irritation and raised her hands above her head.

"Very good, Khai," the Givin said. "Now tell your Sith ship to seal itself up again."

"Ship?" Vestara asked without turning her head to face the Sphere.

Ship complied with Vestara's unspoken command, and the section that had created the boarding ramp closed itself back against the hull.

Without hesitation, the Givin, with her free hand, pulled out a device the size of a human fingernail from her robes and quickly flung it toward Ship. The device latched onto the Meditation Sphere, whose form was then covered with blue electricity for five seconds. Once those seconds were gone, nothing more occurred.

"That should keep him inert," the Givin said before returning her attention to Vestara. "Now, ready for a walk to the Academy, Khai?"

"Can't wait," Vestara replied sarcastically.

The Yuzzem approached Vestara, his lightsaber still leveled against her, and he wasted no second with yanking the Sith's lightsaber from her belt.

"Let's go," the Yuzzem said.

By the Givin's lead, Vestara turned to the mathematically-minded alien's direction and followed her. The Yuzzem, meanwhile, continued to level the lightsaber behind Vestara as he followed her in turn.

Nearly an hour later, the two Jedi and one Sith arrived at the entrance to the Jedi Academy grounds. There, as they crossed the campus grounds, the trio was viewed with obvious wariness from the Jedi around them, primarily for Vestara's presence among them.

The nasty stares were really all that they had to endure on their trip through the grounds. It was also the worst that they, and especially Vestara, had to handle once they were inside the Jedi Temple itself.

The Sith hoped that the stares would be the worst thing she'd have to go through by the time her meeting with Luke Skywalker was over.

She and the two Jedi escorting her had finally arrived outside the Grand Master's office. The Givin knocked.

"Come," Luke's voice came from the other side.

The Givin then opened the door and led Vestara and the Yuzzem inside. Once the door was closed behind them, Grand Master Skywalker looked up and eyed Vestara instantly. His expression was as typically unreadable as his Force aura, just as Vestara came to know him.

"You two," Luke said to the Givin and Yuzzem. "Leave us."

The alien Jedi nodded, turned, and left, leaving Vestara alone with the Grand Master of the Jedi Order.

"Sit," Luke commanded without any hint of anger.

Vestara complied as she found herself a seat across from Luke.

"I'm listening," he said.

"As I'm sure you're quite aware of, Master Skywalker," Vestara began, "a civil war in the Mandalore sector is waging. And the Jedi are needed to help stop this before it becomes a grave threat to the galaxy."

"And as I'm sure you're quite aware of, Lady Khai," Luke countered without malice, "the Jedi are in no shape to mount a mission that can stop that war... even if we did believe your claim that it will concern the rest of the galaxy in the long-run."

Vestara's eyes beetled in confusion. "You haven't sensed anything from the Force that told you how bad this may get?"

"You know something I don't?" Luke asked, his expression doubtful of what Vestara maybe implying.

Vestara met Luke's gaze with a challenging one, already knowing what he thought even without the Force between them. "If I were lying, do you think I'd take such a risk coming here?"

"I think someone as smart as you would know how to calculate if the risks are worth the payoff of whatever scheme you're plotting, Vestara," Luke said.

"So you're just gonna let this civil war play out then?" Vestara asked.

"If it does turn into a considerable threat outside its sector, then I'll see to it that the Jedi will do something about it," Luke replied professionally.

"You'll be too late," Vestara said. "And with your resources, you won't be able to help out the Galactic Alliance stop it. Especially when Abeloth might return because of this war."

Luke narrowed his gaze upon Vestara. "If Abeloth returned," he intoned, "I would know."

"Would you now?" Vestara asked. "So, because you're the Grand Master of the Jedi Order, that automatically makes you the go-to guy for the Force to tell you when one of the most incomprehensible beings might return to wreak havoc on the galaxy again?"

"The thought has crossed my mind," Luke replied sardonically.

Vestara threw up her hands in defeat. "Fine. Fine. Don't believe me? Then probe for yourself."

Luke shook his head. "Nice try, Vestara. But you fooled me once, when you made me believe that you were ready for the Order."

"I fooled myself at the time," Vestara said. "I genuinely believed that I could be a Jedi, Master Skywalker. But I was wrong. So you and Ben weren't the only ones I tricked."

"Then why should I believe you now?" Luke asked.

Vestara made a wry face before shrugging her shoulders. "I don't know."

"Then give me one good reason why I shouldn't have you incarcerated in one of the Temple's jail cells?" Luke asked.

Vestara thought for a moment. "What if I asked for one Jedi to help with the Mandalorian crisis?"

"If you want Ben-"

"I won't ask for him," Vestara interrupted. "Any Knight or Master will do."

Luke leaned forward. "How about a Knight or Master who would fall beyond your sphere of dark influence?"

"If that's what it takes," Vestara said.

Luke crossed his arms in judgment. "Why are you so interested in the civil war?"

"You mean aside from the destructive potential it might bring to the galaxy?"

"If that's even true."

"Well, if nothing else, I'd certainly like to help an old friend."

"I assume you mean Mirta Gev?" Luke asked.

Vestara nodded. "She and I formed something of a friendship after that whole Qreph thing. It'd be nice to help her out."

"Does your friendship have anything to do with Nar Shaddaa?"

Vestara sighed. "Yes."

"Tell me about that, and then I might consider helping you."

"Really?"

Luke nodded.

"Well, I doubt you'll believe me anyway, but..."


	2. Chapter 2

Space Cop's carship sped through lightspeed with its pilot/driver - Space Cop himself - and his two passengers - Simon Taggert in the passenger seat, Fuckbot in the back - all sitting quietly as they let the time pass.

"Space Cop, do you ever think that by helping out in this war, we're just perpetuating it?" Taggert asked. "I don't see how infiltrating and blowing up a few of Belok Rhal's weapons facilities and shipyards are gonna help in the long-run."

"Yeah. So what's your point?" Space Cop asked.

"Well, if we're just perpetuating it, we're kinda fulfilling Vestara's vision that we might have this war go out of control and destroy the galaxy, aren't we?" Taggert asked.

"Hey, The Jedi Have Been Doing This For A Long Time Now, My Little Love Monkey," Fuckbot chimed in. "And They're A Bunch Of Hypocritical Pussies. But Aside From That, You Do Understand That A Series Of Short-Term Effects Can Really Make A Lot For War, Right, Simon?"

Taggert sighed. "Yeah, I guess."

"Well, we still have some time before we have to blow up that weapons facility in the Fhaja system," Space Cop said. "What say we stop by at a fast-food joint in this sector and grab a bite?"

"We Only Have Two Hours Before Rhal Ships Out Those Warships Against Mirta Gev," Fuckbot stated. "Exactly The Time We Need To Get There And Blow Shit Up. We Cannot Waste Time."

"Well, fuck you, I'm hungry," Space Cop said. He looked at the console and pressed several buttons in a sequential order. "I'm dropping us out and see where we are before we find a restaurant."

Taggert then said, "So you mean we're just gonna leave-"

"Don't even say his name," Space Cop said as he quickly held up a finger to his gorilla friend's face. "It was bad enough learning that he who shall not be named was even able to achieve a badass status, much less be exempt from me shoving my gun down his throat and emptying my laser pack down his gullet."

"Why Does That Sound Awfully Phallic Out Of Context?" Fuckbot asked no one in particular.

"I'm surprised you even know the word exempt," Taggert said to Space Cop.

By then, the carship dropped out of hyperspace, and Space Cop said, "Siri. Where's the nearest fast food joint on our heading?"

"Twenty parsecs from our current location, Sexy Lover Three Thousand and Eight," the computer, Siri, replied in the voice of a familiar porn actress. "They are located in the following coordinates." She then showed a series of numbers on her screen.

"You got her to sound like Sasha Grey?" Fuckbot asked. "Awesome."

"Wait, did she just call you Sexy Lover Three Thousand and Eight?" Taggert asked.

Space Cop nodded as he input the coordinates for the fast food joint.

"Three Thousand and Eight?" Taggert repeated in disbelief. "I didn't know you liked the Black Eyed Peas." He regarded the human with a spiteful glare.

"Hey, don't be giving me that evil look, Monkey Man, or else I'll get The Time (Dirty Bit) up in this joint," Space Cop threatened.

"Oh, no, please, don't!" Taggert, Fuckbot, and Siri exclaimed simultaneously.

Space Cop looked at the computer with surprise. "I thought I programmed you to like the Black Eyed Peas, Siri."

"There is a limit," Siri replied. "That, and the extent of your programming skills can be outdone by a toddler in a game of Operation."

"Yeah, and I'm gonna let that Monkey Man comment slide for now, if only because I don't wanna hear Will. i. am and Fergie damage a classic," Taggert said.

"Just Never Call This Car A Joint Again," Fuckbot added.

Space Cop then tried to ask, "Wait, why does he get to call you his little love monkey, but I-"

"Because he fucks me in the ass, he can do whatever he wants," Taggert interrupted.

Fuckbot then reached forward to rub a hand along Taggert's shoulder.

"Not now, my Silver Linings Playdick," Taggert said as he warded off Fuckbot's grasp.

By then, the carship had jumped back into hyperspace for its new course.

"Really?" Space Cop asked. "Silver Linings Playdick? Is that the best you got?"

"Hey, what else can I call him?" Taggert asked. "There's not much to call a boxy metal robot that fucks people."

Space Cop nodded in agreement. "Good point." He then settled back to enjoy the rest of the trip.

.

In the Fhaja system, where Belok Rhal's shipyards and weapons facilities had just completed the construction of the war vessels, long-range weapons, and projectiles for battle, a lone Nubian starfighter dropped out of hyperspace in front of a fully prepared Mandalorian fleet.

The leader of this fleet, Strahta Jukal, opened up a fleet-wide hailing frequency from his Bes'uliik starfighter and said, "Attention, all forces, it seems we have an idiot who would dare go up against the wrath of the Death Watch. Three and Four Flights, go after that fighter. The rest of you, including myself, sit back and enjoy the show." He then cut off the communication and watched in anticipation of seeing the fighters he dispatched go up against the Nubian fighter and blow it to atoms.

Three and Four Flights - which composed of three fighters each, totaling up to six - disengaged from the armada and zoomed for the Nubian starfighter. The latter vessel turned and began to flee, as if the pilot had realized that he or she was way over his or her head and decided to leave.

Jukal smirked at the thought. if the pilot were smart, he or she would be able to just jump right back into hyperspace, considering that none of them were in a gravity well. Not that it would matter anyway, as no one, not even the Galactic Alliance, never mind Mirta Gev and her forces, could ever stand up to the might of Belok Rhal and the Death Watch.

As the six Bes'uliiks chased the Nubian, they quickly gained speed on it and in what felt like no time at all, they gained on it and fired their lasers at the enemy craft's rear.

But before the lasers could hit it, the pilot of the Nubian quickly dropped the fighter into a deep spiral before just as quickly looping back up to deliver a series of blue lasers in the undersides of the Bes'uliiks. It only took one laser each to blow the Mando fighters and their pilots out of existence, and all before they had time to react to the Nubian's expert maneuvers.

Jukal witnessed this in dumbfounded silence just as the Nubian leveled off and charged headlong to the rest of his fleet like a suicidal maniac. He activated the fleet-wide frequency again.

"All forces, blow that thing to kingdom come!"

All of the fleet fired their lasers to the approaching Nubian in an immense wall that the enemy starfighter seemed to have no chance of getting past in time or going through without damage.

But the Nubian fighter fired off a series of blue lasers again in its path and extinguished the Mando lasers that were headed in its path, creating a hole large enough for it to pass through unscathed.

Jukal looked at this in further stunned silence. _How did he or she manage those precise shots?_ he wondered. _Is this a Jedi or Sith or something?_

Once the Nubian was past the wall of laserfire, it began firing blue lasers every which way in its path, blowing up several Mando fighters before the others could comprehend what was happening. Those who survived - or rather, who weren't hit at all - instinctively broke from their ranks and tried to attack the Nubian starfighter on all sides.

But in spite of the Mandalorians' efforts, not a single laser or projectile managed to hit the infinitely elusive target, and all fire became friendly fire that either severely damaged or outright destroyed their fellow Mandalorians and their ships. Those who weren't injured or killed by their fellow Mandos were outright killed by the Nubian fighter itself.

_Who is this god among pilots?_ Jukal asked himself silently before he, too, was blown out by one of the Nubian's powerful blue lasers, two minutes into this battle caused by one individual.

Three minutes later, the last of the fleet had been destroyed, and the Nubian fighter, still flying without a scratch, continued the rest of its way for the weapons facilities and shipyards ahead.

"Meesa dahava da boomba," the pilot,. Jar Jar Binks, said in a subdued tone before unleashing his entire payload of missiles and torpedoes for the facilities up ahead. In seconds, not even wreckage could be found of the facilities.

Jar Jar then turned away, input the coordinates for hyperspace, and promptly left without anymore fuss.


	3. Chapter 3

"_Hava, nageela havaaa, nageela havaaa, nageela hava, nageela hava hava!_" Space Cop, Taggert, and Fuckbot all sang in the cantina lightyears from the Fhaja system.

Together, the three of them were all singing and dancing in a bar in a space station with ale-filled mugs swishing in their hands. They were joined in with their arms around each others' shoulders with their backs to the counter that served them their Corellian ales, and several other humans and aliens were singing and dancing along with them.

"_Oi_!" they declared before Space Cop, Taggert, Fuckbot, and all their friends took a swig of their drinks.

"Hey, hey, hey!" a frumpy-looking Sullustan said to the crowd as he stood in front of the trio that started off this song-and-dance. "Watch what you crazy smookas are doin' here! I gotta clean all this up when you're done!" The Sullustan, who was obviously a janitor based on the fact that he had a hovercart with an assortment of cleaning supplies mounted on it, indicated the spilled alcoholic contents all over the cantina floor.

But just when the janitor looked up from the mess he indicated, he was instantly knocked out when Fuckbot smashed his still-filled mug across the Sullustan's head, sending him to the floor, unconscious. The mug itself had shattered, spilling out the rest of its contents and only adding to the mess already there.

The entire cantina fell silent as Space Cop, Taggert, and the others regarded Fuckbot over what he just did.

"Bar Fight!" Fuckbot declared.

The robot quickly turned around, ripped a stool from its hinges, and smashed it into the face of a blue Twi'lek female next to him.

And just like that, chaos fell over the bar as everyone began fighting for no apparent reason among any individual patron there.

Observing the resultant anarchy from a booth far from the center of the fighting was a lone, dark-skinned male smoking a deathstick. Clutching the deathstick between his right index and middle finger, he released a puff of noxious air from his lungs and flung the deathstick over to an approaching drunk Togruta male. The deathstick struck the Togruta straight in his left eye, causing him to fall to the floor in agony, and the man who caused the alien this agony simply slid out of his booth and began making his way to the exit.

Halfway to the exit, however, the man instinctively dodged a blow from a metal chair that would have caused a compound fracture on the side of his skull, and twirled around to trip the attacker behind him with his leg. The wielder of the chair, a typically enormous Aqualish, landed on his back, but then planted a kick into the human's face that sent him sprawling backward along the cantina floor. However, the human literally rolled back with the blow and shot back up to his feet gracefully while the Aqualish roughly pushed himself back up. The human before him adopted a defensive stance in preparation for battle.

"That was my friend you just threw your deathstick at, buddy," the Aqualish said as he slowly whirled his fists, readying himself for attack. "And I'm gonna make sure the next one's gonna go up your ass."

The alien threw his left fist forward, which the human once again expertly dodged, and delivered a fist of his own straight into the Aqualish's gut, doubling him over. The human then leaped up and smacked his right kneecap against the alien's face, shooting his form back into standing position, and the man finished off his opponent with a spin-kick against the alien's chest that sent him flying back to slide across an empty table before collapsing to the cantina floor again.

"Holy shit, we got a ninja over here! A Space Ninja!" Space Cop loudly slurred in his drunken state amidst the chaos. He pointed over to the dark-skinned male who defeated the Aqualish, even though not a single soul aside from himself noticed or cared about what he was seeing; a fact punctuated when a male Devaronian behind him kicked him in the groin and sent him tumbling forward to the floor.

The mysterious man who had quickly defeated the Aqualish, meanwhile, turned back for the cantina's exit and left without anymore fuss. He continued down the corridor that led to the space station's hangar bay, and he didn't stop even when his commlink beeped at his belt.

He took the commlink out and activated it. "Yeah?" he asked.

"Badda Snasniss," the voice of Belok Rhal came from the other end, "we got a mission for you, and I think you're gonna need to assemble a team for this one."

Snasniss stopped in his tracks and regarded his commlink incredulously, as if he were looking at Rhal directly. "Since when the hell have I ever needed a _team_ for, Rhal?"

"That's _Mandalore_ to you, Snasniss, and I'd have your head if you weren't so damn useful to the Death Watch," Rhal intoned.

"Fine," Snasniss replied, not bothering to keep the apathy from his tone. "What's the mission, and why do I need a team for it?"

"Well, it has to do with what happened at Fhaja," Rhal said.

"What happened there?"

"The entire armada we had there never made it for the battle over at Geldadore," Rhal explained. "When we sent a task force to investigate, they could only find scant traces of the _beskar_ that made up our facilities and ships there."

"An entire armada, and the shipyards and weapons facilities, were all wiped out like that?" Snasniss said, both impressed and concerned at the same time. "You have any idea who or what was responsible for all this?"

"We received a transmission from several of our forces, saying that a single Nubian starfighter, pre-Imperial era by the descriptions offered, had been wiping out our forces there," Rhal elaborated.

"How is that even possible?" Snasniss asked. "I doubt even Luke Skywalker or Wedge Antilles or any of their buddies _combined_ could do this."

"Well, from what little we have, it's all we got," Rhal said. "So I need you to assemble your best team to find this Nubian starfighter at all costs and destroy it, along with its pilot. Especially its pilot."

"I'll get on it," Snasniss said before closing off the communication.


	4. Chapter 4

The door to Vestara's cell opened up, and Jedi Master Jaina Solo Fel walked in to find the Sith sitting patiently on her cot.

"About time," Vestara commented before standing up. "I was actually starting to think I was a real prisoner here."

"What makes you think you're not still a prisoner here?" Jaina countered as the Sith approached her. "You're still gonna be under our hold even after we resolve this whole Mando situation peacefully."

"Yeah, but at least I won't be in a cell," Vestara said with a shrug as she stopped a foot away from Jaina.

Jaina regarded Vestara silently for a moment, the Jedi's expression one of disdain for the Sith before her. "Well," she said after some hesitation, "by your lead then." She waved for Vestara to exit.

The Sith nodded and moved past Jaina to join her in leaving the Jedi Temple.

A few minutes later, the two women were inside Jaina's ship, the _Faux Harla_, where the Jedi Master's husband, Jagged Fel, was playing a game on his datapad in the vessel's copilot seat. When he heard footsteps behind him, he shifted in his seat to offer his wife a smile of intimacy and then just as instantly regarded Vestara with wariness.

The Sith, meanwhile, disappeared from Jag's view as she seated herself in the passenger cabin of the _Harla_ while Jaina seated herself at the pilot's station to start the ship's pre-launch sequence.

"So tell me again why we're bringing her along?" Jag whispered to his wife.

"She's gonna be guiding us on what missions we have to do while in Mandalorian space," Jaina said without missing a beat in the pre-launch sequence. "And mainly, it's to serve as a distraction to the Death Watch while Uncle Luke and Mom try to handle things diplomatically between Mirta Gev and Belok Rhal's factions."

Jag grimaced. "Okay, even assuming that we can trust that Sith back there, wouldn't causing trouble for the Death Watch merely undermine the peace talks, especially if they find out that the Sword of the Jedi is stirring up trouble?"

"Hopefully, if we do our jobs well, that won't be the case," Jaina said as she finished up the pre-flight sequence and primed the _Harla_'s engines for takeoff. "Really, all we'll be doing is just making sure that the Death Watch don't get the upper hand on Mirta's faction."

Jag raised an eyebrow. "You still consider her your friend?"

Jaina snorted. "Why not?" she retorted sarcastically. "She nearly tried to kill my parents and uncle a few months back when she and that little bitch back there were working for the Qreph brothers. I bet we'll still be on good terms if we see each other again." Her smile was all contempt for Mirta's actions under her contract with the Qrephs.

"Speaking of that little bitch back there," Jag said, "how do you know she won't lead us into a trap?"

"If it is a trap, I'll be prepared for it," Jaina said with total confidence. Her focus narrowed on her husband. "She won't escape me again."

"Hey!" Vestara called from the passenger cabin.

Jaina and Jag turned in their seats so that they could see her down past the rows of seats there.

"You guys have Ship aboard in your cargo hold?" Vestara asked. "I can't sense him anywhere on this planet."

"We have him in the cargo," Jaina told her neutrally. "We still have his restraining bolt on that prevents him from flying, shooting weapons, or even telepathically communicating with you."

"So then how do I know you actually have him here?" Vestara asked, crossing her arms in suspicion.

Jaina couldn't help but trade a sardonic smile with Jag and retain that when she replied to the Sith. "You're welcome to find out if he actually is in your cargo hold, but only after we go into hyperspace. "Til then, fasten your safety harness."

Vestara's expression dropped in disapproval, but she said no more as Jaina lifted the _Faux Harla_ off the floor of the Jedi Temple's hangar bay and flew it expertly out of the bay's exit. From there, the Jedi Master increased speed as they ascended to Shedu Maad's beautiful daylight skies before penetrating the atmosphere to be enfolded by the infinite star-studded blackness of space. A few minutes later, the _Harla_ exited the gravity well and shot out into hyperspace.

But in the initial few seconds, Jaina gasped and her eyes widened, and Jag simply remained in his seat, as if nothing was happening. His wife hyperventilated a few more times before sighing in relief.

Just then, though, Vestara appeared at the entrance to the _Harla_'s cockpit. "What happened?" she asked more out of curiosity than concern.

Jaina and Jag looked at the Sith with typical wariness. "Why should that be any of your concern?" the Jedi Master of the Fels asked in condescension.

"Well, if there's any impediments in your ability to carry out this mission, Master Solo Fel," Vestara said in a formal tone, "I must know so that whatever risks you pose to this mission can be minimized."

Jaina snorted. "Nice try, Khai, but that's not gonna work."

"What are you talking about?" Vestara asked in irritation.

"Finding out my wife's weakness so you can exploit in typical Sith fashion," Jag answered. He shook his head. "That's not gonna happen."

Vestara threw up her hands in mock-surrender. "Fine, fine. Leave me in the dark about the dangers you can pose to us at any point, and I won't know what the hell to do when that happens."

"We'll be just fine when something like that happens, Sith Lord Khai," Jag said in a mock-formal tone. "We won't need your help beyond telling us what to do. And even then..." He trailed off to signal his eyes with two of his fingers before pointing them at Vestara.

"I'll keep that in mind," Vestara said with a raised eyebrow. She then turned back to resume her seat in the passenger cabin.


	5. Chapter 5

Holding the icepack to his groin with one hand, Space Cop hobbled along as he followed a weary Taggert and Fuckbot toward the hangar bay where the carship was docked.

"Boy," Space Cop remarked once he caught up with his comrades, "that escalated quickly."

Taggert nodded sardonically in Space Cop's direction. "When you can't find something funny to say, fall back on references, like _Anchorman_. Always seems to work, doesn't it?"

"Hey, _Family Guy_ does it all the time," Space Cop said. "How's that show always so popular?"

Taggert rolled his eyes in annoyance. "Let's just hope Jar Jar managed to make it out of the Fhaja system when he arrived."

Space Cop looked past Fuckbot, who was between him and Taggert, and looked at the gorilla man on the other side. "Hope and Jar Jar should never be in the same sentence together unless it's I hope Jar Jar gets his intestines removed from his dick and decorated around George Lucas's house while he gets one of his eyes removed from its socket before Ron Jeremy fucks him in that bleeding socket like in _A Serbian Film_!"

"Ah, _A Serbian Film_," Fuckbot said. "That Was Like _Citizen Kane_ to me."

"It's insane how much it doesn't me surprise me that you enjoy watching newborn babies getting fucked in the ass, Fuckbot," Taggert said with dejection.

"You Know, There Is A Market For Newborn Porn," Fuckbot stated.

"No, Fuckbot, I told you twelve times over, we are not going to fuck babies fresh from the vaginas of their mothers for extra money," Taggert said.

"Aww," Fuckbot said in defeat.

The three of them didn't speak again even when they reached the space station's hangar bay where the carship was, and it was then that they attracted the attention of five Mandalorians, all of whom had their helmets off and hanging on their belts. One of them, a female Quarren, pointed at them, and their attention turned to Space Cop, Taggert, and Fuckbot still approaching the carship, completely oblivious to the Mandos' attention on them.

"That's the droid that fucked Boba Fett to death a month ago," the Quarren, named Gworon, pointed out in a hushed tone so that no one else in the hangar could hear her.

"Yeah, so?" the leader - Badda Snasniss - asked. "That's a bounty for anyone loyal to Gev. We work for Rhal, remember?"

"Yeah, but that's still quite a prize walking away, boss," another one of the Mandos - a yellow-skinned woman named Jiah Laiko - countered. "I hear that thing has a bounty that's over a million creds. You really wanna pass that up, Snasniss?"

"Yes, if it means that we won't be able to spend it," Snasniss replied sternly. "We bring that thing in, and Rhal will have our heads for turning loyalties on him. And believe me, even I don't want the Death Watch hunting me across the galaxy."

"And whatever happened to that reputation of being one of the most baddest motherkriffers who ever-"

Gworon's sentence was cut off when Snasniss quickly punched the Quarren straight in the throat, then quickly and promptly broke her neck with both hands, allowing her corpse to drop to the floor. The other Mandos just stood there with a unified mixture of awe and wariness as everyone else in the hangar - including Space Cop, Fuckbot, and Taggert - stopped what they were doing and looked at what had happened.

Snasniss, who didn't look like he cared much about what other people were thinking right now, turned to them and called out, "Terrible service she was providing, ladies and gentlemen. I had to terminate her contract with me."

One of the three other remaining Mandos - a male Dathomirian Zabrak named Ravage - grabbed Snasniss's shoulder and spun him around. "Are you out of your karking mind?! We gotta get outta here now!"

Before Snasniss could respond, Laiko whipped out her blaster from its holster and aimed it specifically at Fuckbot. "Not 'til we collect our bounty."

"No!" the only other remaining Mando - a light-skinned human male named Cahker - screamed as he tackled Laiko to the floor, deflecting her shot away from Fuckbot. The stun bolt that came out hit Taggert straight in the chest, dropping him.

And just like that, the hangar bay erupted into chaos, with everyone but the Mandos screaming and flailing around mindlessly in their panic.

On the floor, Laiko managed to bring a fist into Cahker's unprotected armpit, and the sleeve that followed that fist quickly erected a vibroblade that pierced the man's unarmored flesh. He fell away, screaming in pain, before Laiko tackled him to the floor and finished him off with her vibroblade to his gullet. With that, she stood back up and looked around to find Snasniss and Ravage fleeing for the unmarked transport, and they had begun running up the open boarding ramp before she hurried up, forgetting the bounty that she caused all this chaos for.

Meanwhile, Fuckbot had just picked up the unconscious Taggert up in his metallic arms and began following Space Cop the rest of the way for the carship.

"What The Fuck Is Going On?!" Fuckbot asked no one in particular as he and Space Cop finally arrived at the carship and entered it.

"I don't know," Space Cop said in an over-the-top grim manner, "but I think we're gonna find out." He then primed the engine and seconds later, he blasted off the floor for the Mandalorian transport that was just now fleeing the hangar bay.

Once they were outside the station, Space Cop's carship zoomed after the Mandalorian ship, the former firing at the latter with high-powered laser blasts. It wasn't long before the Mando ship began firing back with their rear weapons while dodging the shots that were coming for them.

"Ah!" Space Cop screamed at the helm of the carship. Because of a hit from the Mando vessel, his status board had just exploded in a shower of sparks that flew every which way in the confines of his vessel. "Oh, my stats! Now how will I listen to the Black Eyed Peas?"

At that moment, Taggert, still in Fuckbot's arms in the backseat of the carship, hurriedly woke up and shouted, "No! No Black Eyed Peas, for the love of God!" Once the gorilla man saw the destroyed status board, he asked, "Did we just lose control of the ship?"

"Yes, but now, I'll never be able to listen to _My Humps_ again!" Space Cop complained. "Oh, _My Humps_!"

The carship then jolted, and then it began floating towards the now-still Mando ship at a leisurely pace.

"Great, we're in a tractor lock," Taggert said as he got out of Fuckbot's arms and sat next to him. "At least they won't kill us."

"Yeah, but now, they're gonna torture us!" Space Cop yelled. "And probably with Queen, too! If I ever hear _Bohemian Rhapsody_ again-"

Space Cop was cut off from saying anymore as Fuckbot smacked him across the head, knocking him unconscious in an instant.

"Thank you," Taggert said.


	6. Chapter 6

Once the carship was inside the docking bay of the Mandalorian transport, the former settled down onto the latter's floor, where there was nothing and no one else to speak of in the bay.

"Well, Looks Like There Is No One To Meet Us," Fuckbot pointed out.

"Good _Empire_ reference," Space Cop said. "Very fitting."

"Thank You," Fuckbot replied.

"Wait, what are you talking about?" Taggert asked.

"You know, the scene where the _Millennium Falcon_ landed on that landing pad on Cloud City, and C-3PO pointed out that there was no one to meet 'em before Lando and his crew came out," Space Cop said.

"Well, that was obscure," Taggert said. He shook his head. "Wait, why are talking about this now? We're in deep shit, and we gotta figure out what to do before-"

Taggert was cut off from saying anymore when the door leading out of the docking bay opened up, and the Zabrak Mando appeared standing there. He put his helmet on his head before quickly unhooking the blaster rifle that hung on his belt, aiming it at the carship.

"Fuck," Taggert muttered.

"Well, I Do Not Know What You Muthafuckas Are Worried About, I Cannot Be Harmed By Blaster Bolts," Fuckbot stated. "I Will Go And Take Care Of Him." He then slid to the door on his side of the carship and opened it to exit.

After he closed the door, Fuckbot called to the Mandalorian, "Hey, Zabrak, Are You _Horny_ Under That Helmet, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?" He laughed as he began approaching the figure.

But Fuckbot stopped once the Mando fired a lethal bolt that hit the robot square in its rectangular torso, burning a deep hole that revealed all the circuitry that made up Fuckbot's mechanical intestines and organs.

"Oh, Fuck My Donkey," Fuckbot said before he fell backward, dead.

"Fuckbot!" Taggert shouted from inside the carship. "No!"

"Ahh!" Space Cop exclaimed as he covered his ears with his hands. "We're inside a car, don't shout so loud, man!"

Outside in the Mandalorian transport's docking bay, the Zabrak Mando entered it and, as he approached the car, he fired a shot that not only burned a hole straight through its forward windshield, but also ended up creating another hole in the rear windshield, just barely missing hitting Taggert in the forehead in the process.

"Come on out, or do we have to make things difficult here?" the Mando called out.

"Fine!" Taggert called out. "You asked for it, fucker!"

The gorilla man then turned so that his ass was now pointed in the Mando's direction, aimed right through the hole in the forward windshield, and an entire rocket charged out between Taggert's ass cheeks. It flew straight through the hole and continued for the Mandalorian.

The Mando himself, meanwhile, ducked out of the way and dodged in a tuck-and-roll, but the rocket just as quickly turned and headed right back for the armored Zabrak just as he was about to shoot at the carship again. He stopped when he heard the rocket following him again, and quickly jumped up from his crouch to run for the hangar's exit. He had scarcely crossed the threshold of the door before the rocket reached him, creating an explosion strong enough to blast through his _beskar'gam_ armor and reduce him to molecules in an explosive inferno.

The rest of the blast radius only took out five meters all around, further widening the hole in the docking bay's exit.

Meanwhile, still inside the carship, Taggert shit out a blaster rifle and declared dramatically, "Let's open another tin can."

Space Cop looked at him in confusion. "Wat?" he asked in a moronic tone.

Taggert stared back at him in irritation. "Well, you know, because the Mandalorians are armored, they look like tin cans... Fuck it, let's just kill the other one." He moved to exit the carship, with Space Cop, taking out his blaster rifle from his jacket, following suit from the driver's door.

However, just as they exited the carship, Taggert stopped and looked down to look at Fuckbot's corpse, and Space Cop also stopped to regard it in a nonchalant way.

"I wonder how that laser managed to punch a hole in his chest," Space Cop said. "You think the Mandos knew about Fuckbot being able to take lethal bolts, so they just increased the charges on their weapons to-"

"Oh, shut up, let's just do this for Fuckbot!" Taggert declared, and hurried for the docking bay's blasted exit, with Space Cop following along again with his own blaster rifle in hand.

A few minutes later, the two of them, with Taggert still in the lead, followed a winding path in one of the corridors leading to the cockpit. Their progress, however, stopped dead in its tracks when Taggert was promptly knocked out by a stun bolt from the surviving Mandalorian ahead.

Space Cop, being too slow to react, ended up right in Badda Snasniss's sights, and was also promptly knocked out with a stun bolt.

.

"How much longer 'til we reach the Sagju system?" Vestara asked as she stood at the threshold to the entrance of the _Faux Harla_'s cockpit.

"Another three hours," Jaina answered neutrally from the pilot seat. She and Jag, still in the copilot seat, then turned in their seats to face the Sith. "Why, have any plans?" Her tone was now out of mock-suspicion.

Vestara couldn't help but smirk in an ironic fashion. "Just making sure we have enough time to get ready, is all. I'm gonna take a shower, if that doesn't bother either of you."

"Just don't try to sabotage the ship's power core while you're at it," Jaina replied sardonically.

"I'll try not to," Vestara shot back with the same tone before turning and heading back to her guest quarters.

Later, after she had finished showering and slipped on a spare set of Sith robes that she brought along, Vestara sat on the edge of her bed and dialed in the comm number of a particular ally.

"Jar Jar?" Vestara asked.

"Yesa, Ladya Khai?"

"Did you succeed over at Fhaja?"

"Moi moi, meesa did, but not witha da helpa of da Space Cop and hisa friends."

"What do you mean?"

"They weren'ta dere, for soma reason. Dey didn't answera my callesa."

"That sounds problematic. But how did you manage to pull off the sabotage of the Death Watch's shipyards in that system?"

"Meesa justa killed dema alla."

Vestara's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Really?"

"Uh-huh."

"How's that even possible?" Vestara asked with complete disbelief in her tone.

"When yousa becoma as much of a badassa as me, Ladya Khai, you can doa anythinga."

Vestara shook her head, still in disbelief. "I believed when you told me that you were 'badassa,' but I never knew that you can take out a whole _army_ by yourself."

"Yousa never askeda."

Vestara shot up one eyebrow this time as an idea came to her. "Well, then, if what you say is true, what's to stop you from just taking out Belok Rhal's entire Death Watch? You could end this war, all by yourself, easily, Jar Jar!"

"I coulda."

There was an awkward pause before Vestara asked, "So... why don't you?"

"Oh, Imma sorrya, yousa wanta me to do dada, Ladya Khai?"

"Yes!" Vestara nearly exclaimed.

"Then justa tellata me where da main body of da Deatha Watcha fleet isa."

Vestara opened her mouth, only to realize that she didn't know where they were. "Um, I think I'll have to get back to you on that."

"Very wella," Jar Jar said.

"Oh, and where are you?" Vestara asked.

"Heading back toa homa," Jar Jar said.

"Alright, fine, do that, and when I find out where they are, I'll let you know, Jar Jar," Vestara said. "Khai out." She then thumbed off the communication and replaced the commlink to her belt.

It was then that she sighed in irritation and used the Force to open the door that led outside her quarters, where Jaina stood there with the usual glare of judgment that the Jedi Master gave to Vestara.

"I assume you heard all that?" Vestara asked, not leaving from her spot on the bed.

"I've heard what I needed to hear," Jaina said. "So, you have someone that can end all this individually."

"Apparently so," Vestara said. "Even I didn't know he was that good."

"And yet, if he was, why didn't the Force let you know that he was this ultimate weapon that could end this Mandalorian civil war?" Jaina asked, crossing her arms in suspicion.

Vestara groaned. "Look, I really don't know, just as I don't know why your oh-so-great Uncle and Master Skywalker didn't have the vision that the galaxy could be consumed by this war."

"Fine, we'll go past that," Jaina said. "But let me ask you this: You know where Uncle Luke and my mom will attempt to negotiate a treaty with Rhal and Mirta."

"You mean over Mandalore, yeah, I know," Vestara said.

"So why didn't you just tell him that?" Jaina asked. "Why did you say that you didn't know?"

Vestara was silent for a moment, her expression completely blank.

"Well?" Jaina asked. "You have something you wanna tell me, Lady Khai?" Unsubtly, Jaina made a motion for the lightsaber hanging at her belt.

Then, unexpectedly, Vestara broke out into a sinister bit of laughter, which only served to further Jaina's distress on her own face.

"Tell me, Jaina, because I really wanna know," Vestara said between her fits, "what that whole bit of asthma you had earlier was all about?"

Jaina grabbed her lightsaber, but didn't take it off her belt. "I'm warning you, Khai..."

"Oh, please," Vestara said, "you know as well as I that I'm not the scariest thing in this whole universe to fear."

Jaina now looked confused. "Yeah, so? Sure, Abeloth may still be out there-"

"I'm not talking about Abeloth," Vestara said. "I'm talking about someone worse.

"I felt him, Jaina.

"What he did to you...

"And Tahiri."

At that, Jaina's eyes widened completely, and she fell into another asthma attack as she stumbled back across the corridor. She hit the wall behind her and slid to her hindquarters as she began falling into shock.

"Jaina?!" Jag called from the cockpit.

Within spare moments, he rushed from the cockpit and to the corridor, where his wife was now slumped unconscious. He quickly checked her pulse, then looked toward the leering Sith who only stared back at the couple.

Quickly, as he stood up to his full height, Jag whipped out his blaster from its holster and aimed it at Vestara. "What did you do to her?!" he yelled.

"Who, me?" Vestara mockingly retorted. "Why, all I did was just bring up what happened to her to give her those asthma attacks, and then she just fell into shock."

"You bitch!" Jag said before he fired off a shot.

But almost simultaneously, Vestara had her own lightsaber out, blazing, and reflecting the laser bolt into the ceiling of her quarters. She then bounded across the room toward Jag, deflecting more of his shots, before she slashed his blaster to pieces and kicked him in the gut to send him flying back into the bulkhead behind him, where he slid down next to his unconscious wife.

When he tried to get up, he was immediately stopped when Vestara's red blade came an inch to his throat.

"Now," Vestara said, "how long do we have before we have to make our next drop from hyperspace? And don't lie to me, I can sense it, even from someone as strong and resistant as you, Jag."

Jag ground his teeth, but he answered, "Half an hour or so."

"Good boy," Vestara replied as she deactivated her lightsaber and hung it back to her belt. "Now, that should give you plenty of time to send your wife to the medbay and let the 2-1D there handle her. And don't worry, I won't kill either of you while you're vulnerable like this."

Jag hesitated, but nodded and moved to pick up his wife.

"I'll be in the cockpit if you need me," Vestara said.

As she turned away and began heading off, Jag, already standing up and his wife in his arms, said, "Wait."

Vestara stopped and turned back to patiently face him. "Yes?"

"Do you know what happened to Jaina and Tahiri when they returned from Nar Shaddaa?" Jag asked.

Vestara's expression fell into something resembling fear on her face. "All too well."

"Then what was it?"

Vestara hesitated before she answered in a wary tone:

"Plinkett."

She said no more as she turned and headed back to the cockpit, leaving a temporarily dumbfounded Jag standing there for a few seconds before he, too, turned and headed off to the medbay for his wife.


	7. Chapter 7

Space Cop and Taggert awoke roughly at the same time, and they both found themselves kneeling next to each other, hanging by their wrists via metal chains that went straight to the ceiling of the room that they were in. Their surroundings were plain and sterile, and the door ahead of them indicated that they were in some kind of prison cell. The only other occupant in the cell was the surviving Mandalorian that knocked them both out with his stun bolts.

"About time," the Mando said impatiently. "Now, the both of you, who are you, and what was that droid who was with you?"

Space Cop and Taggert looked at the Mando with a shared look of incredulity. "You mean you don't know?" Taggert asked.

"Well, I have the idea that you were associated with the droid that raped Boba Fett to death, obviously, but I want to know your names, to be exact," the Mando elaborated.

"And why should we give 'em to y-" Taggert started to ask.

"Well, my name is Space Cop, and this here is my friend, Simon Taggert," Space Cop interrupted in a polite manner.

Taggert glared at his human friend in anger.

"What?" Space Cop asked.

"Space Cop?" the Mando asked in disbelief. "Really? Is that the best you can come up with?"

"Well, my real name is actually-"

"Shut up, I don't care anymore," the Mando cut off.

"Okay," Space Cop said in defeat.

"And what was the designation of that droid in the docking bay?" the Mando asked.

"Don't-" Taggert tried to stop Space Cop from answering.

"Fuckbot Five Thousand," Space Cop answered.

Taggert growled. "Why are you giving him this information, Space Cop?"

"Because I don't want him to cut my balls off, that's why," Space Cop answered with more of an attitude.

"He didn't say anything about that," Taggert pointed out.

"He doesn't have to," Space Cop countered. "I could just tell from him."

"Well, actually, I was going to threaten to simply murder the both of you if you didn't cooperate," the Mando chimed in, "but, hey, whatever makes you talk."

"Oh," Space Cop muttered with the realization of his stupidity in this situation.

"But, now that I have what I need from the two of you, I could just kill you, right here, right now, anyway," the Mando said as he slid his hand along the handle of his holstered blaster.

"So what's stopping you?" Space Cop asked.

"I like to hear my victims beg first," the Mando answered. "And sometimes, they can make some compelling cases that have actually made me spare their lives."

"Really?" Space Cop answered.

The Mando nodded with a malevolent grin. "So, Space Cop, tell me, in two sentences or less, why I should let you, and you alone, live."

"Well, stranding us on some backwater planet will do," Space Cop said.

"What?" Taggert asked.

"Hmm," the Mando said. "Is that all you have to say for yourself?"

"I was never really good at doing essays," Space Cop replied in a genuine tone.

The Mando turned his attention to Taggert. "And you?"

The gorilla man opened his mouth to talk, only to find himself speechless. "Fuck it, I'm throwing in with him." He nodded his head to Space Cop.

The Mando smiled again. "Stranding you both on a backwater planet, you say? Hmm..." He put his hand up to his chin in contemplation.

After a moment, he said, "That sounds fun."

.

A few hours later, Badda Snasniss set his transport down onto the surface of Tatooine, several miles from Mos Eisley.

After the boarding ramp was lowered, Taggert was the first to be thrown out, with his hands restrained at his back via stun-cuffs, as Snasniss shoved him down the ramp and onto the hot sandy ground. The gorilla man landed prone there, and two seconds later, just as he was about to get up, Space Cop, also stun-cuffed, landed right on top of him, driving Taggert back against the ground.

"Here's the key," Snasniss called from the top of the ramp before he threw the key to the stun-cuffs a little ahead of Space Cop and Taggert. Then, without anymore words, the Mando turned back, closed up the ramp, and began returning to the cockpit of the transport.

Meanwhile, Taggert managed to roll Space Cop off of him, stood up, and began wading toward the key. By the time he arrived at the key, the transport had already made its ascent and rocketed for the bright Tatooine skies above.

It wasn't long before Taggert managed to unlock the cuffs with the key that he held with his bound hands, and then he promptly did the same for Space Cop.

After the latter managed to push himself to his feet, the human took one look at his surroundings and said, with a sigh, "We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life."

"Okay, that reference, I got, and it's a bit more fitting here, but we really gotta find out where Mos Eisley is around here," Taggert said.

"Wait, how do you know he dropped us off anywhere near Mos Eisley?" Space Cop asked.

Taggert looked at Space Cop as if he just asked a question that was already answered, which was exactly the case here. "Because he told us. You know, before he dropped us off. Weren't you paying attention?"

"It's more than enough that I have to pay my taxes, now I gotta pay attention?" Space Cop complained.

"We don't pay taxes here," Taggert pointed out.

"We don't?" Space Cop asked. "Oh, good. So what was it you were saying?"

Taggert shook his head in irritation. "Are you ever at least consistent with your stupidity?"

"Banana."

Taggert shook his head again, but just stopped from saying anything this time. "Never mind. Let's just go."

"Alright," Space Cop said before turning away and heading off.

"Where are you going?" Taggert asked.

"Mos Eisley," Space Cop answered, as if it were obvious.

"The Mandalorian just said it's that way," Taggert replied as he pointed in the exact opposite direction.

"Well, then, let's just agree to disagree," Space Cop said before turning back and resuming his walk.

"Fine, go and die in the desert, see if I care," Taggert said before turning back and heading away.

A little while later, Space Cop stopped, turned back the other way, and began running toward the direction Taggert had headed.

"Realize I was right?" Taggert asked once the human caught up to him.

"No, no, I just realized, we're breaking up like See-Threepio and Artoo-Detoo, aren't we?" Space Cop pointed out.

"Yep," Taggert replied sardonically.

"Okay, I'll be ready for the Jawas," Space Cop said before turning back to retrace his own steps. "Later."

"Fucking idiot," Taggert muttered with a shake of his head.


	8. Chapter 8

After Jar Jar landed his starfighter in the public docking bay across from his apartment and turned the engines off, he exited, closed and locked his vessel, and walked the rest of the way to his apartment across the street. A few minutes later, he entered his apartment proper and simply plopped down upon his comfortable sofa to watch the HoloNet.

"...and the upcoming peace negotiations between the Mandalorian factions of Mirta Gev and Belok Rhal will take place tomorrow at five P.M., local time over the world of Mandalore," the voice of Chevin news anchor Perre Needmo reported on Jar Jar's holoscreen. "Reports that just came in have confirmed that several members of the Jedi Order, including Grand Master Luke Skywalker and his sister and former diplomat Leia Organa Solo, will be present for the proceedings."

Jar Jar then tuned out the rest of what Needmo was saying - which transitioned into some sporting event on Coruscant - as he fell into contemplation about what the Chevin had reported. Vestara Khai told him that she didn't know where Rhal or the main body of his fleet had resided. And while he wouldn't put it past the Jedi Order to not tell her about this, he imagined that if they did agree to an alliance with her to stop the Mandalorian civil war, the Order would at least inform her of whatever efforts they took to stop the conflict.

So then why didn't she tell him about this?

Turning off the holoscreen, Jar Jar took the commlink of his belt and began dialing Khai's comm code. He waited a few moments for a response.

"Yeah?" the Sith's voice asked when she finally answered.

"Ladya Khai, why youssa noa tella me abouta da Mandalorian peace conference tomorrow?"

"Relax, Jar Jar, this'll all work out. Trust me."

"You asked me to killata Rhal and his army. Why you no tella me abouta disa?"

"Why do you care? You have some investment with the Jedi Order?"

Jar Jar hesitated before he continued. "What about the Jedi Order?"

The Gungun could hear the Sith's growl coming from the other end of his commlink. "Until I tell you otherwise, Jar Jar, you're not to make a move on this peace conference, do you understand?"

"But why nota?"

Jar Jar could almost feel Khai restrain another groan of irritation. "Jar Jar, before I answer that question, I have to ask you again: Do you have any attachment toward the Jedi Order?"

"Why, yesa. Why do you ask?"

A moment of silence passed such that it seemed to Jar Jar that the communication between him and Khai had been cut off somehow. But that fear was assuaged when she responded with, "Because if you show up there and begin killing Rhal's men, you can disrupt the peace conference and only bring more chaos to this war."

"Oohh, moi moi, I understand now," Jar Jar said. "But why youssa no sayso before?"

"Um... I thought it would obvious," Khai replied with a nervous tinge to her tone.

At that point, Jar Jar knew that something else was going on. "Oh," he replied. He was surprised at how natural that came out. "Meesa see dat now. Okay, well, tell me when you needa me, Ladya Khai."

"I will. Khai out." The communication ended there.

Then, just as he put the commlink back to his belt, Jar Jar hurried out the door back for his starfighter.

.

Jaina awoke with a start from the nightmare that she was having, and found herself staring back at the appraising gaze of Vestara Khai looking down upon her. The Jedi Master repressed the urge to whip out her lightsaber from her belt and decapitate the Sith right then and there, and instead, she looked around to find that they were in the _Faux Harla_'s medbay.

When Jaina's gaze returned to Vestara, she growled, "What did you just do to me?"

"Figured out the Sword of the Jedi's weakness," the Sith replied with an arrogant smirk. "It took some time for me to find out, but after some searching through the Force and its threads going back to you, I found that those same threads connected to your fellow Jedi and friend, Tahiri Veila. I saw the friendship that bordered on sisterhood between the two of you, what with the connection that you both had to your brother, Anakin, but I found something else, too."

"You searched me through the Force, while you were aboard my ship with me and my husband, and I didn't sense you doing any of this?" Jaina inquired, still angry and wary of Vestara.

"I picked up a few tricks after we beat Abeloth," Vestara answered. "But anyway, I found something else that linked you and Tahiri together, something stronger than the bonds that you had with your younger brother."

"What was that?" Jaina asked.

"The trauma you endured under Harry S. Plinkett," Vestara said in a morose tone.

Jaina was silent for a moment. Then she asked, "Where's Jag?"

"Handling the piloting," Vestara answered. "After a while, he thought it was a better idea to handle your ship than leave it to me. It was more to make sure that you didn't wake up with the fact that your ship was being handled by a Sith than to ensure either of your safety from me."

Jaina gave an agreeing nod, but her expression fell back into serious inquiry. "If you knew my weakness - what Tahiri and I endured together - and you used it to knock me out, why didn't you just kill Jag and me?"

"You mean aside from the fact that if I did that, I'd have the whole Jedi Order, and your parents, going after me again?" Vestara retorted.

"Sith like you are a cowardly lot, but even you won't pass up any opportunity to take care of significant threats to your well-being," Jaina said. "Especially now that you have someone that can level an entire army for you."

Vestara nodded in agreement. "Fair enough. You see, I'm actually a lot more concerned about what'll happen if either you or Tahiri die."

"What do you mean?"

"When I discovered what Plinkett did to you and your friend, I also found something else. After he finished with you, he left only faint vestiges of the experience in your minds, just as a little reminder. Someone like Plinkett is too egotistical to give you complete amnesia, from what I've learned from my own experience with him."

"Okay," Jaina said. "But what does that have to do with not killing Jag and me?"

"Because those vestiges that Plinkett left in your minds are what will trigger his return to this galaxy if either you or Tahiri die," Vestara said. "And he can't just return through the Borg technology that he stole from his home galaxy, because when he tortured you and Tahiri, it caused an imbalance in the Force that created a one-way portal back to his home galaxy. The only way it can become a two-way portal is if both you and Tahiri died."

"Alright," Jaina said. "So then that just leaves one more question."

The Jedi Master then quickly whipped out her lightsaber and pressed the blade end up against Vestara's chin, rendering the Sith completely motionless under fear of the purple blade's activation.

"Try to use my experience with Plinkett again, whatever you did when you did it, and the lightsaber will go off just by the reflex of my finger here," Jaina warned. "Now, tell me, why not just use this contact of yours to wipe out Belok Rhal's fleet, if not coerce them into an unconditional surrender? And don't lie to me, my senses are attuned to yours now, so there's no hiding whatever deceit you may have."

Vestara growled. "If I were to tell you, what's to stop you from killing me?"

"Oh, as much as I'd love to kill you, I'll only do that if you have to make me," Jaina promised her, though the threat of death still permeated her aggressive tone. "Now answer me."

The Sith sighed in defeat. "Do you really think the Death Watch are just gonna cooperate over at Mandalore?"

Jaina rose an eyebrow in inquiry. "What are you saying?"

"Oh, don't be an idiot, Jaina, Rhal and his thugs are gonna spring a trap there so he can take out both the Jedi and Mirta Gev and her faction!" Vestara exclaimed.

"Which will wipe out many Jedi there," Jaina concluded with horror.

"It may not mark the end of your Order - in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if your uncle and parents survived the battle that's to come - but, like you said, I, as a Sith, am not gonna pass up an opportunity for some dead Jedi," Vestara elaborated. She then added, "Unless Plinkett's involved, of course."

"And it wouldn't matter if the upcoming battle at Mandalore escalated the conflict when you have that ace in the hole that can wipe out whole space fleets single-handed," Jaina said.

"Exactly," Vestara conceded angrily.

"Yet you knew this would happen even before you realized that your contact was more powerful than you thought," Jaina said. "Wouldn't that mean you would've escalated this conflict without a way to stop it?"

"Why do you think I suggested we'd go on these raids against Rhal's fleet, which we've yet to start, by the way," Vestara said. "It would have at least weakened the Death Watch a little bit."

"Makes sense," Jaina agreed. "But what makes you think that Mirta and the Jedi won't be ready for a trap anyway?"

"I wouldn't put it past either of them, but hey, there's bound to be dead Jedi," Vestara said.

"I should kill you after all," Jaina said. "But if I were to do that right now, that'd only make me as bad as you." She then lifted up her free hand, palm upward. "Now give me your commlink."

Reluctantly, but without hesitation, Vestara gave her commlink to the Jedi Master.

"Thank you," Jaina said.

Then she knocked the Sith out by smacking the pommel of her lightsaber against Vestara's head.


	9. Chapter 9

Jag turned in the pilot seat at the sound of the cockpit door sliding open, and his eyes widened and lowered almost simultaneously in relief at seeing his wife up.

"Jaina!" he said as he stood up to vacate his seat for his spouse.

The Jedi Master resumed her seat at the pilot station, took stock that they were ten minutes from dropping out of hyperspace for the Sagju system, and said, "We're pulling away from Sagju."

"What?" Jag asked. "Why?"

"This was a waste of time," Jaina said as she began the procedure for an early dropout from hyperspace. "We gotta get to Mandalore as soon as possible."

"Jaina, I think your mom and uncle can take care of things-"

"It's not just about that, Jag," Jaina said, not even slowing down from her work. "Vestara thinks that the Death Watch are gonna pull something there, that they're not interested in any negotiations."

"How does she know that?" Jag asked.

"She doesn't, really," Jaina answered just as they dropped out of hyperspace into an empty system and began the reorientation for where Mandalore would be in the galaxy. "But I don't think we should risk continuing for Sagju if Mom, Dad, Uncle Luke, and the other Jedi need our help there."

A few moments later, Jaina got the coordinates for Mandalore and launched for hyperspace again.

.

As quickly as he returned home, Jar Jar was back in space in less than half an hour in his Nubian starfighter, and a few minutes after he breached Naboo's atmosphere, he left its gravity well and engaged for hyperspace.

He knew where Khai would be after this: the Sagju system, which he could make within four hours. He figured that he'd still catch the Sith there, kill any Mandalorians who got in the way, and force her to tell him what she wouldn't over a commlink.

Stupid, he thought of himself. He thought he'd gone past that after Padme Amidala died all those decades ago. And yet, he still somehow fell for a Sith's tricks, just as he did when Palpatine gave him the ability to give him emergency powers prior to the Clone Wars. How could this be that he could be smart and powerful enough to take out a whole fleet of Mandalorian mercenaries, yet still fall for the machinations of a Sith?

He thought he'd gone past all this. He thought he'd gone past all this on that fateful day...

.

Sixty-three years earlier, Jar Jar Binks was his usual self again.

While Emperor Palpatine's anti-alien policies hadn't really taken full effect at the time, Jar Jar was one of the first aliens in the now-defunct Republic Senate who was annexed from his position as a representative for Naboo.

It was no wonder that was to be so, for now he was slipping all over the mess on the kitchen floor that he had just made, which was composed entirely of mixed vegetables and meats for Boss Nass. And when he finally fell forward, he ended up taking the last of the foods from the counter just next to him, with the bowls containing them falling on top of him so that he was completely coated in the mess that he just made.

"Oooohhhhh..." Jar Jar muttered beneath the mess he created.

Then the doors to the kitchen were barged open, and Boss Nass himself, escorted by two slim Gungun bodyguards, entered the near-destroyed kitchen. The fat leading Gungun called his party to an abrupt halt once they took in the extent of the mess that the idiot in their midst had just created.

When Nass's judgmental gaze finally fell upon Jar Jar, the latter looked back with complete nervousness. "Oopsie," he said with a forced smile.

"JAR JAR!" Nass hollered. "Whata yousa doin' here?! You not supposed to be in da kitchen! You not supposed to be anywhere neara the process of fooda-makinga!"

"Oh, but meesa soa sorry, Boss Nass, Your Honor!" Jar Jar exclaimed as he tried to stand up, only to slip back prone to the floor again. He emitted a low nervous chuckle that did not match his slumped body language.

Nass growled incessantly. "You ruined da royal dinner tonight, Jar Jar! Now weesa have nothing to de party!" He sighed in resignation. "Jar Jar, yousa to be banished, never to return to de city ever again."

"But what if meesa make representative of da Naboo again, Your Honor?" Jar Jar asked.

"Noh, no, not again, Jar Jar," Nass said. "Yousa maketa Palpatine Emperor. Yousa maketa big doodoo dis time."

"Awwwww," Jar Jar moaned.

A moment later, one of Nass's bodyguards walked past his charge to approach Jar Jar, carefully wading through the slippery mess that he caused, and prodded the clumsy Gungun with his electrostaff.

"Eep!" Jar Jar yelped. "How wude!"

.

"Meesa so sorry that Ia do disa to you, Padme," Jar Jar said as he sat cross-legged at the headstone of Padme Amidala. "If dere was anything I coulda makeita upa to you, I would do it. I ama so sorry dat I gave Palpatine dat power. If I had known..." He trailed off as he sighed again. "Meesa am a clumsy one. But dat... dat was my biggest clumsiness yet. Oha, Padme, what I would do to makeita up to you!"

"There is nothing more that you can do for her, Jar Jar Binks," a grand, masculine voice said behind the Gungun.

Jar Jar instantly shot up to his feet and spun around while screaming, "Ahh!" Once he saw who it was - what appeared to be a giant honeycomb, as he thought of it - he calmed down quickly and asked, "Who be you?"

"I am Waru," the being introduced itself. "And I am here to see that you fulfill your destiny."

"Destiny?" Jar Jar asked in disbelief. "What destiny?"

"The destiny of saving this galaxy from destruction," Waru answered.

Then, in a flash of bright white light, Jar Jar and Waru were gone from not only Naboo, but also from the galaxy.

When Jar Jar next saw something other than that all-encompassing whiteness, he found himself and Waru, who was in front of him again, in a starfighter hangar bay, populated with dozens of X-wings, A-wings, and the like. Currently, pilots all around them, who seemed to be oblivious to Waru and Jar Jar's presences, were scrambling for their fighters, with some already launching out of the bay through the energy barrier that separated the bay from space.

"Where weesa we?" Jar Jar asked Waru.

"Jar Jar," Waru began, "you are in another reality. Do you know what that means?"

The Gungun shook his head. "Uh-uh."

"Well, let us just say that we are in another galaxy, like the one you lived in, but this one is different," Waru explained. "In this galaxy, Palpatine's Galactic Empire managed to defeat the Alliance to Restore the Republic over Endor. What you are now seeing is a meager, pathetic attempt by the Rebel Alliance in fighting back Palpatine's forces."

"So whata weesa doing here den?" Jar Jar asked.

"You, Jar Jar Binks, are now under my hand as I use this reality to train you to save your galaxy," Waru said. "And we will start by using that X-wing behind you."

Jar Jar turned and saw that there was indeed an X-wing there. He just as quickly turned back.

"But meesa no know how to fly a spaceship!" the Gungun exclaimed.

"Do not worry," Waru said. "I will help you."


	10. Chapter 10

With obvious reluctance, Jar Jar climbed into the open cockpit of the X-wing - with his usual clumsiness - but managed to don his pilot's helmet and close the canopy without further incident.

"Do not forget to put on your safety harness, Jar Jar," Waru's voice informed him through the soundproof confines of the cockpit.

"Oh, moi moi, meesa almost forgot," Jar Jar said as he hurriedly pulled the harness over himself.

"Good," Waru said. "Now I am going to telepathically guide your hands so that you can turn on the engines. And remember, it is up to you to remember this procedure even as I lecture you on what you have to know. Do you understand?"

"Yessa, Meester Waru," Jar Jar answered nervously.

"Very well," Waru stated. "Let us begin."

Then, without further warning, Jar Jar lost complete control of his hands as they began the start-up procedure of the X-wing's engines in a hurry. During this process, Waru lectured him on what each entry in the sequence was.

When the lecture was done along with the start-up procedure, which was within a matter of more than half a minute, Waru released his hold over Jar Jar's hands and asked, "Now, can you relay that information, Jar Jar?"

"Relay?" Jar Jar inquired. "Whassa dat mean?"

"Can you repeat what I just said?"

"Oh, moi moi, meesa canm do dat," Jar Jar said. He opened his mouth, but then said, "Uh... um..."

"We will go over this again," Waru said with only the infinite patience that can be afforded to a powerful entity such as he.

"No, wait, meesa can do it!" Jar Jar said.

And then he rattled off the entire start-up sequence in even less time than it took Waru to tell him about it.

"Impressive," Waru commented. "Most impressive. Now, I will provide you with an impenetrable shield of energy that will protect you from any projectiles that you will encounter in the battle that you will get involved with. But you must not let any projectiles or the explosive aftermath of projectiles even skim this shield, or else you will receive this as your punishment."

Jar Jar then lost control of his right hand, and it smacked him across the mouth. "Ow! How wude!" he exclaimed.

"For each hit the shield receives, you receive one hit yourself," Waru said. "This starfighter training will only stop once you have entered a battlefield in which your shield will receive absolutely no hits at all. Is that understood?"

Jar Jar nodded. "Moi moi."

"Then proceed out of the hangar bay and involve yourself in the battle," Waru said.

"Okey-dokey," Jar Jar muttered to himself before he hesitantly grabbed on the X-wing's joystick.

And with one heaving push, he rocketed the starfighter straight out of the bay at hundreds of miles an hour, all the while screaming like the panicky imbecile that he was.

Once he was out of the bay, his panic only further increased once he saw that he was out in a war zone, with starfighters all around him getting blown up and projectiles of all kinds being fired every which way. Without even thinking, he juked and jinked for all that he felt like his life was worth, and fired on pure impulse, not even knowing what was going on around him as lasers, torpedoes, and missiles hit Waru's invincible shield around Jar Jar's starfighter.

After about two minutes, the battle was over, with the surviving Rebel forces having flown for hyperspace. Only a small contingent of TIE fighters, with their Star Destroyer on standby, remained to try to destroy the shabbily-piloted X-wing that could not be touched.

"Calm down, Jar Jar," Waru's voice said in the worried Gungun's head. "You only have a handful of enemies left. Destroy them, and their Star Destroyer, and you will be free."

At that point, Jar Jar did calm down - if ever so slightly - and became more focused as he jerkily dodged the lasers that came from the opposing TIEs even as he fired back his own barrages.

Because of the combination of his horrible piloting and bad aiming, rather than in spite of it, the remaining TIEs were quickly destroyed, and Jar Jar found himself rocketing for the Star Destroyer up ahead.

Halfway toward it, once he began evading the Destroyer's shots, he suddenly shook his head and began piloting with panic again. "Whata meesa doing?!" he asked himself aloud. "I can'ta destroy a Star Destroyer!"

"Yes, you can, Jar Jar," Waru's voice said. "So long as I am here, you can."

Once more, Jar Jar calmed down, and continued with abandon toward the Star Destroyer, still dodging the shots that came his way even though green lasers continued to hit Waru's shield around his X-wing.

Eventually, Jar Jar reached the Star Destroyer and fired off two concussion missiles for the larger vessel's shield generator, blowing it to molecules before releasing his last proton torpedoes across the now-unprotected hull of the Destroyer.

A chain of explosive reactions from the larger warship followed until the entire Destroyer blew up into a brief star that quickly died out in remnants of wreckage and debris strewn across hundreds of miles in this system that it died in.

"Woo-hoo, meesa kill dem Imperials!" Jar Jar cheered.

"Yes, you have," Waru said. "Now go to these coordinates. There, your training will continue."

"Okey-dokey," Jar Jar said before lining up the X-wing for the coordinates that spontaneously appeared on his display screen. He then launched for hyperspace.

.

After enduring the painful punches by his own fists - which Waru was obviously controlling - Jar Jar's punishment for all the hits that he took in the battle against the Imperials - all one hundred and eighty-five - was done.

Bruised and beaten severely over a period of two hours - enough time for him to heal from his wounds so that he wouldn't die, thanks to Waru - Jar Jar now stood before the honeycomb-like being within the swamps of Dagobah, where the legendary Grand Master of the Jedi Order, Yoda, had died.

"Now your combat training may begin, Jar Jar," Waru said.

And just like that, the entity miraculously transformed into a red-skinned, tattooed male Dathomirian Zabrak donned in black.

"This is Darth Maul," Waru's voice said in Jar Jar's head. "Or rather, my personal recreation of him. He was the one who killed Qui-Gon Jinn, who you were most familiar with. He will provide you the skills needed to become a more-than-able combatant."

Waru said no more as Darth Maul charged Jar Jar and delivered a fist to the Gungun's face, as if he didn't receive enough punishment for one day.


	11. Chapter 11

Over the course of the next twenty years, Jar Jar Binks only grew in skill, intelligence, and overall competency until he reached the point that he could kill whole armies with just his bare hands. And his ability to pilot the Nubian starfighter that he bought, using the money he stole off of dead Imperial officers, in this reality's Naboo was so legendary that he could wipe out whole fleets using that starfighter. His armament was augmented, thanks to Waru's power, such that his lasers, proton torpedoes, and concussion missiles contained five times the destructive power of those respective projectiles.

During all this time, Jar Jar had decimated Imperial armadas to leave not a single survivor in the aftermath of the battles that he participated in. As a result, the Alliance to Restore the Republic returned to the strength it once thrived with under the leadership of Leia Organa, Mon Mothma, and Admiral Ackbar.

And it was by the end of those twenty years that Waru finally left Jar Jar.

"You have surpassed even my expectations, Jar Jar Binks," the entity said as he appeared before the Gungun in the latter's luxurious Nubian apartment. "I honestly believed that it would have taken twice as long to get you up to the standards needed to save your own galaxy."

"Thank you, Waru," Jar Jar said.

"Now it is time for me to depart from this reality and leave you," Waru said. "For I must focus my attention elsewhere."

"But waita!" Jar Jar exclaimed. "How am Ia supposed toa go back to my galaxy?"

"Emperor Palpatine's advanced engineers have successfully developed reality-traveling technology," Waru explained. "You will find it hidden in his secret vaults within the Imperial Palace on Coruscant."

"Coruscant?" Jar Jar asked. "You meana..."

"Yes," Waru confirmed. "You have reached the level of skill necessary to finally kill Palpatine and topple the Galactic Empire all on your own. You do not need any of my shields; no projectile shall ever hit your starfighter, Jar Jar."

"Moi moi," Jar Jar said, impressed. "I can end this decadesa-long war."

"Is there anything you would like to say before I depart?" Waru asked.

Jar Jar nodded. "Yessa."

"Well, what is it?" Waru inquired.

"Of alla da beings in da Multiversa, why did youa choosea mea?" Jar Jar asked.

"Because you, along with an infinite number of versions of yourself across the Multiverse, were the only ones who were both pure of mind and pure of heart to be trained," Waru said. "You were the only one to be trained, from scratch, as it were, to be worthy of someone ending up with the talents that you have earned."

"Ooohhhh," Jar Jar answered.

"Is that all?"

Jar Jar shook his head.

"What more then?"

"Waru, I hava lived here for so longa now, how can I live my homa? How can I leavata dis galaxy?"

"Because if you do not," Waru said, "you will leave an entire galaxy to die unnecessarily."

"Unnecessarily?" Jar Jar asked.

"You do not need to concern yourself beyond the boundaries that I have set for you, Jar Jar," Waru said. "What you need to know is that you must leave this galaxy once you have completed your mission of killing Palpatine and toppling the Empire here."

"Oh," Jar Jar said. "Den dat is all I havata to say. Bye-bye." He waved at Waru.

"Goodbye," the entity replied before vanishing in a flash of white light.

And with that, Jar Jar turned for the exit of his apartment and left to fulfill what was needed of him in this galaxy.

.

"Director Isard," Emperor Palpatine said, "why have you not yet, in all the ten years that you have been in this department, having succeeded your esteemed father, figured out who this mysterious Nubian is who has been destroying whole fleets of our government for the past two decades?"

Ysanne Isard sat opposite from the most powerful man in the galaxy with only the Emperor's desk between them. And right now, she wished that an entire galaxy separated her from him and his simmering rage. It took all of her self-composure to not sweat - at least not profusely - as she addressed Palpatine's question.

She first cleared her throat. "Well, Your Majesty, this mysterious attacker, as I have pointed out in my previous reports regarding him or her, is extremely difficult to track in any way possible. There have been no ion trails that we could find, registry numbers have been changed every time, but the most important thing is that this powerful enemy just seems to disappear completely from our sights... when... he has... left our... space..."

By then, Isard trailed off as Palpatine stood up in his seat. And at first, she thought that the Emperor had reached his boiling point, but instead, he just said, "He is here."

Isard gave him a questioning expression. "I beg your pardon, Your Highness?"

"Director Isard," Palpatine said, "you are dismissed."

Isard repressed the sigh of relief that nearly escaped her mouth, then nodded respectfully to the Emperor and promptly left, only letting that sigh out once she had left his office.

Then the entire Imperial Palace trembled.

.

As soon as Jar Jar's Nubian fighter dropped two concussion missiles on top of the offices of the Emperor, Imperial ground TIEs rocketed from their hangars across Coruscant to engage the legendary Nubian that had been wiping out their fleets for years.

It was a stupid and foolish gesture justified only by the TIE pilots' loyalty to His Majesty. But nonetheless, they still perished in a matter of minutes, like a group of schoolchildren in a small classroom being gunned down by a maniac with an automatic blaster. None of them had a chance; either they died by friendly fire that evaded their one target or they died by the weapons of their powerful enemy.

When every Imperial ship across the planet was accounted for by the battle against Jar Jar Binks, the unscathed Nubian fighter unleashed the last of its armament against the Imperial Palace, reducing it to a mountain of debris and flaming wreckage that littered the deep bowels of Coruscant.

But Jar Jar had grown too smart to think that would kill the Emperor. No, he had to find out where Palpatine was and finish this.

The Gungun piloted his starfighter down to the base of what remained of the Imperial Palace and landed there. After he cycled down his engines, he disembarked from the Nubian, picked up the ysalamari that he had in his lap, and he began looking around.

"Palpatine!" Jar Jar roared. "Where yousa being! I know yousa still alive, mudakriffer!"

With the gut-feeling sixth sense that he developed in all his years of training, Jar Jar felt more than heard a rapidly-approaching presence coming in from behind at full speed. Without hesitation, he jumped up and flipped over the presence; simultaneously, he quickly yet gently placed the ysalamari in his jacket pocket before taking out the dual blasters that he had holstered and began firing on instinct.

The red laser bolts that he fired were met by the similarly-crimson singeing lightsaber blade of Emperor Palpatine, who deflected the shots elsewhere with ease.

When Jar Jar landed swiftly on his feet, he stood up from his resultant crouch, and then he and Palpatine stared each other down from the several meters that separated them.

"So, Jar Jar Binks," Palpatine growled, "of all the filthy, disgusting aliens to pollute this galaxy, it had to be you to ruin what I have worked so hard to build. I never thought you had it in you; I don't even think Boss Nass knew it when he made you General, of all things, when our homeworld was freed from the Trade Federation."

"Itta sorta makes up for da time I gave you dose emergency powers, no?" Jar Jar retorted. "But how yousa not be affected by da ysalamari?"

"Do you think my scientists have not found a way to make sure ysalamari do not affect my abilities?" Palpatine bit back. "I am beyond that now, just as I will now go beyond your interferences!" He then roared a battle-cry and charged for his opponent.

Jar Jar met the Emperor's charge, firing his blasters along the way, which were still deflected back at him. Once the two combatants finally met, Jar Jar quickly holstered his blasters and dodged Palpatine's downward swing that would have bisected him. The Gungun then executed a flawless spin-kick that knocked the lightsaber out of the human's hands that sent the then-deactivated pommel elsewhere in the wreckage.

Hurriedly, Palpatine sent a Force-blast against Jar Jar that sent the latter flying back across the wreckage to land painfully on his back. The Gungun let out a pained squeal that didn't affect the Emperor's concentration as he used the Force to recall his lightsaber back into his hand.

But in the five seconds it would take for the human to do that, it took Jar Jar only a second and a half to get over the pain he just suffered and a second more to quickly whip out a blaster from its holster and fire a bolt to intercept the lightsaber.

It hit the target right on cue, shattering the pommel and reducing it to a bunch of useless pieces and its crystal.

Palpatine whipped his head back around to growl again at Jar Jar, who fired off another shot for the Emperor. The Sith Lord, however, easily absorbed the bolt with the Force, then used his other hand to send several bolts of electricity for the Gungun.

Jar Jar, however, rolled out of the way of the incoming attack and holstered his blaster, knowing that it and its counterpart would be useless against Palpatine now. Now on his feet, he quickly looked around and ducked for cover behind a small mound of debris just as Palpatine sent another series of electric bolts for him.

Before he could come up with a method of going up against the Emperor, he felt that the mound behind him was rising from the ground, and he looked up and behind him to find that it was, indeed, floating a few feet up. Jar Jar didn't need to think twice about rolling out of the way again before the mound was flung back down upon where he once was.

However, he was now out in the open again, which left him no choice but to return to his dual blasters again. The bolts were easily absorbed by Palpatine again, but Jar Jar kept on moving, looking for some way to get past the Emperor's defenses so that he could finally kill him.

It wasn't long, though, before Palpatine, still in the midst of absorbing Jar Jar's shots, had more electric bolts fired from his fingers, which struck true as they hit Jar Jar's blasters, rendering them into smoking heaps among the wreckage.

Jar Jar continued to run, but that didn't stop Palpatine from unleashing a double torrent of electricity from both hands for the Gungun's direction. But before the latter could be enveloped by any of it, he jumped and ducked behind another small mound, then came up and began flinging the debris he had toward the Emperor.

The Sith Lord had no choice but to deflect the improvised projectiles that were headed his way with his Force powers, interrupting his torrents of deadly light for his nemesis. And it was that interruption that was quickly followed up again as Jar Jar began flinging several pieces of debris, some of which was still flaming - and which burned Jar Jar's hands, something that he paid little mind to this time - for the human.

As Palpatine was continuously forced to deflect the wreckage coming for him, Jar Jar used those interruptions to his advantage as he began advancing on his enemy, never letting up on his barrage against the Emperor as he made his way for him.

Once they were face-to-face, Jar Jar quickly launched himself into the air and kicked Palpatine straight up the jaw, sending him flying back across the wreckage. Then, when the Emperor hit the littered ground on his back, Jar Jar commenced a flip through the air and came down upon his enemy to deliver several punches against the old man.

In spite of the intensity of Jar Jar's attacks, however, Palpatine managed to find an opening to deliver a Force-aided punch up the Gungun's jaw. The latter flew back to execute a flawless back-flip, and then he landed in a feline-like crouch.

The Emperor then stood up and prepared to deliver another volley of electricity toward Jar Jar, only to wince in pain from a sharp sensation at his ankle. He looked down to find Jar Jar's ysalamari - which probably slipped out of Jar Jar's pocket during the punches that he delivered - sinking its teeth into his royal ankles.

Before Palpatine could do anything about the creature attacking him, he found himself suddenly feel as old and weak as he appeared. In a matter of seconds, he simply dropped on his back, his breathing now heavy and shallow, and it continued even after the ysalamari pulled its teeth out of his ankle.

It wasn't long before Jar Jar stood over him.

"Wh... wh... what have you done to me?" Palpatine asked.

Jar Jar offered him a mocking smile. "Did yousa really notta thinka dat I knew dat yousa get pasta da ysalamari's effectsa?" He shook his head, as if about to lecture a child about what he did wrong. "Das why I didn't bring it here to repress yousa powers. Qui-Gon's bite over herea contained a paralytic toxina dat has just rendered yousa inert for de next twenty-four hours, Your Majesty."

The Gungun then took out a vibroblade from his pants pocket at a very leisurely pace. He looked back down at Palpatine with a triumphant grin. "Long live da Emperor." He quickly bent down and struck the blade down, swiftly decapitating the stunned Sith Lord in a single swipe.

Several minutes later, Jar Jar, with his ysalamari Qui-Gon tucked safely back into his jacket pocket, managed to sort through the grand wreckage of the Imperial Palace to find the closed-off, underground entrance that no doubt led to an underground bunker. The Gungun smirked; no doubt Palpatine wanted to confront him out of vengeance for all that destruction that he caused to the Empire. Jar Jar couldn't help but smirk; typical Sith mindset, he thought wryly.

After Jar Jar opened up the entrance, it took him a little bit longer to find what he was looking for; a laboratory with only a gate-like device centered in the whole room. No one else was around, conveniently enough.

Knowing that this would take him back home, Jar Jar found the control switch, searched through the lists of reality that he could travel to, and found the one that his sixth sense - which he thought may have had a Force-connection, thanks to Waru - told him was his original home. With that, he fired the machine up, looked at it, and saw it activate as a large ball of white light manifested, signifying that a portal to that other dimension had been opened.

Jar Jar ran toward it and leaped straight through for home.


	12. Chapter 12

"Your entire team fell apart within the first few minutes, Snasniss?" Rhal's voice asked in disbelief.

Snasniss, sitting in his ship's pilot seat, replied in his comm's mouthpiece, "I don't work well with others, _Mandalore_ Rhal." His tone was mocking when he pronounced the title. "Besides, I already have the corpse of Boba Fett's killer in my transport's cargo bay."

"You have that raping droid with you dead?" Rhal asked, still unbelieving.

"I do," Snasniss confirmed. "And I'm on my way to you to deliver his corpse for that fifty thousand credit bounty on him."

"You know that bounty was placed by Mirta Gev," Rhal intoned. "Go to her, and I not only cancel my contract with you, I'll have every available Death Watcher prey on your ass throughout the galaxy."

"Rhal, you can have the whole Force-damned Death Watch come after me, and you'll still be outnumbered," Snasniss said. "But just to humor you, I'll hold off on collecting the bounty until after I find and neutralize whoever's been wiping out your fleet."

"Sure you will," Rhal said with both triumph and bitterness in his tone. "And why the hell did I even ask you to put together a team in the first place?"

"That's what happens when you underestimate Badda Snasniss," the dark-skinned Mando replied with a smirk.

Rhal sighed. But his tone became business-like when he asked, "Where are you now?"

"Heading to the Sagju system," Snasniss answered. "Considering that there's a fleet about to launch there for that little surprise attack on Mandalore, I figured that's where your Nubian starfighter might show up."

Snasniss could practically hear Rhal hold back a gasp of shock. "How do you know about that?"

"Relax, neither Mirta Gev's faction nor the Jedi know about it, just me," Snasniss said. "And as for how I know about it, well... You know what they say, a good magician never reveals his tricks."

"But if that magician wants to keep his job and _not_ end up as just a head of the True Mandalore's platter, he'll tell me how he found out _immediately_!"

Snasniss rolled his eyes in annoyance. "Fine, fine, I hacked your private systems."

"What?!" Rhal growled. "Why did you do that?!"

"I like to know how my employers are doing," Snasniss replied simply. "That way, my job doesn't interfere with their efforts of a negotiation that's really a trap for his enemies."

"Tell me why I shouldn't cancel my contract with you right now and assign a bounty on your head that would Jabba the Hutt's bounty on Han Solo's head look like a-"

"Because if you do any of that," Snasniss interrupted, "I send the info I got from your systems to Gev's faction and the Jedi, and your whole plan will come apart."

Rhal was eerily silent for a moment. "What else do you know about me?"

"Everything I need to know, and that's all that matters," Snasniss said. "Oh, and don't worry, I'll still hold off on collecting my bonus for delivering the corpse of Boba Fett to his granddaughter 'til after I've completed my contract with you, Rhal. And only because I'm so generous." With that mocking conclusion, he closed the comm.

.

As the _Millennium Falcon_ zoomed through hyperspace with a small Jedi fleet in front, behind, and on either side of it, Han Solo had his head rested against his beloved ship's control board in mild despair.

He was roused from his glumness when a hand rested itself on his shoulder. He looked up to find his wife standing over him with that familiar smirk that he came to love a long time ago in their marriage.

"Still sulking about the _Falcon_ being the negotations' meeting place, Han?" Leia asked.

"Gee, how could you tell?" Han asked sarcastically as he sat back up in the pilot seat. "Wasn't it enough that this was where the Empire and the New Republic signed the treaty here?"

"Han, you know how this goes," Leia said. "It's never enough 'til we're all dead." There was a note of defeatism in her tone.

Han raised an eyebrow. "Is that cynicism I'm getting from you, Princess?"

Leia shrugged nonchalantly. "Where do you think I picked it up from?"

"Right," Han answered. "You know Luke's gonna do that righteous Jedi anger thing where he's not really angry when he chews you out with that attitude."

Leia waved. "I'll be fine. Or haven't you figured out yet that I can slip in and out of the diplomatic thing as easy as you can whip out that blaster of yours?" A new tone that Han liked was now in Leia's voice.

The trademark Solo smirk appeared on his face. "How long do we have 'til we reach Mandalore?"

Leia pointed with a resigned expression. "Only two minutes now."

Han's expression also fell as he shook his head at the readouts. "Where does the time go these days? And to think we vowed to retire after that whole Qreph thing."

"_Semi_-retired, Han," Leia emphasized. "Besides, it's just gonna be a meeting, maybe a few. Nothing big is going to happen."

"Leia, they're _Mandalorians_," Han reminded her. "Something's bound to happen, and you and Luke and the other Jedi know that. And as bad as Belok Rhal is, Mirta Gev isn't exactly a saint herself."

"No Mandalorian is," Leia replied. "But, look, Gev isn't all that bad."

Han looked at her.

"Her business with the Qreph brothers aside," Leia quickly added, "I think we can trust her here."

"Yeah, well," Han said as he took out his blaster to observe its charge, "I'll keep my gun set at lethal just in case."

"Don't you always?"

"Good point," Han replied as he replaced the blaster back into its holster. He turned back to the readouts. "We got ten seconds now." When Han's countdown was finished, he pulled the hyperspace lever back to drop the _Falcon_ out of hyperspace with the rest of the Jedi StealthX fleet.

They were now in the Mandalore system, with two fleets of Mandalorian warships meeting at either side. The first fleet was holding over Mandalore's orbit while the other fleet hovered hundreds of millions of miles on the other side.

The _Falcon_'s commboard beeped with the hailing frequency that the Jedi fleet would also get on their own comms. Han activated it.

"Welcome, members of the Jedi delegation," Mirta Gev's authoritative yet shockingly calm and diplomatic voice transmitted. "I, Mandalore Gev, on behalf of the True Mandalorians, thank you for your generosity of intervening on this conflict on our behalf."

A new voice came on the frequency. "As do I, members of the Jedi Order," Belok Rhal cut in. "On behalf of the Death Watch, I, the real Mandalore, Belok Rhal, also thank you for your generosity."

Han was genuinely surprised when Gev didn't automatically reply by calling out Rhal for his _osik_. At least it _seemed_ like this delegation was off to a good start.

"So," Gev ultimately said, "if Captain Han Solo of the _Millennium Falcon_ would be so kind as to hail us, we may begin the negotiations."

Reluctantly, Han opened up a dual-hailing frequency that transmitted back to Gev and Rhal's ships. "Mirta Gev, Belok Rhal, this is Han Solo. You're clear to board my ship with whoever you want to accompany you." He closed off the frequency and looked up at Leia, who gave him a look that said that she was just as bewildered as he was over how diplomatic he was just then.

They both looked out to the vastness of space as a ship from each fleet departed from the main bodies to travel toward the _Falcon_.

"Yep, something bad is gonna happen," Han remarked wryly.


	13. Chapter 13

Jar Jar's starfighter dropped out of hyperspace in the Sagju system to find a fleet of Death Watch warships facing him.

The Gungun sighed in irritation. _Here we go again_, he thought.

He unleashed a series of lasers, proton torpedoes, and concussion missiles toward the fleet even as he rushed toward the fleet itself. The barrages that he sent either hit their mark or detonated by proximity fuses, taking out whole ships in the process. Never, in those opening seconds, did Jar Jar miss, and when the initial attack was over, over a tenth of the fleet was decimated.

A minute later - which saw to the total reduction of the fleet by fifty percent - the tide quickly changed when a laser grazed the Nubian fighter's hull.

Jar Jar spared half a second looking through his canopy's window to find the minor scorch on his right fuselage. He just as quickly returned his attention to the battle at hand and continued to fire off projectiles while simultaneously dodging enemy fire so that they would destroy the firers' friends.

Ten seconds later, one of Jar Jar's lasers missed hitting a fighter.

_That is the fighter that grazed me_, Jar Jar thought.

He then zoomed toward that fighter that he did not lose track of, still evading and firing simultaneously with his typical godlike accuracy. When he was finally on that individual _Bes'uliik_'s tail, he let loose with what little he had left.

And yet, even amidst all the shooting in the system, the individual _Bes'uliik_ dodged each of Jar Jar's shots, as if he was the Gungun's equal in starfighter combat.

_How could this be?!_ Jar Jar wondered in shock.

The fighter that Jar Jar was trying to shoot to molecules then fired out some kind of dart that hit the Nubian, resulting in an electrical charge that rendered the starfighter dead for all but life support.

And just like that, not even five minutes had passed since the battle begun, but Jar Jar Binks, the greatest combatant who had ever lived, had been defeated.

The Gungun closed his eyes and prepared for death from the _Bes'uliik_s all around him. But instead of experiencing the fiery sensation that preceded that kind of demise, all he felt was an abrupt tug that shuddered his vessel. Jar Jar opened his eyes and found that his ship was being tractored toward the space station that these ships had no doubt been created from.

The Gungun shook his head in both irritation and relief. _How could these Mandos be so stupid?_ he wondered. _None of the__m can survive me._

_Except for the pilot that I wasted the last of my ammo on_.

Well, he wasn't going to give up without a fight.

A minute later, the Nubian was forcefully docked into the station's docking bay alongside the survivors of the battle. Half a minute later, those angered Mandalorians disembarked from their ships, and Jar Jar took that as his cue to disembark from his own vessel, regardless of whether or not they wanted him out.

He popped open his canopy, undid his safety harness, and leaped from his starfighter, hitting the bay floor in a feline-like crouch. He rose up, slowly, to face the helmeted Mandos who were approaching him.

At the lead, Jar Jar knew simply by his gut instinct, was the pilot of the Mando who, in a sense, had defeated him. By this Mando's wave, they all stopped mere meters from the most dangerous being in the galaxy, and he removed his helmet to reveal a dark-skinned human male with rugged, battle-scarred features.

"Belok Rhal has put quite a price on your head, Gungun," the Mando said as he clipped his helmet to his belt. "But I'll make you a deal; kill me, Badda Snasniss, in combat, and you may go. My contract with Rhal will be rendered null-and-void anyway."

"Issa deal," Jar Jar said without hesitation.

"No weapons though," Snasniss added.

"Okay," Jar Jar said.

Once the two of them had either lain or thrown their weapons at either of their sides on the floor, they then charged each other. In seconds, Jar Jar and Snasniss met in a flurry of fists and kicks that either connected with their targets or were expertly dodged at a rate so fast that all of the Mandalorians witnessing the fight could barely keep up with what could be seen.

After about half a minute, Snasniss managed to wade one of his fists through Jar Jar's defenses and delivered a solid punch to the Gungun's chest that sent him flying several meters back across the hangar. But the limber alien managed to turn his tumbling landing into a backward roll from which he shot up from to get back to his feet and charge back for his human foe again. They once again exchanged an insanely-fast series of blows with everything they had at their physical disposal, and after another half minute, Jar Jar was the one to wade past Snasniss's defenses, grabbed the Mando's collar, and pulled him in so that the Gungun was now swinging the human around.

Jar Jar swung Snasniss around three times before throwing him straight toward his own _Bes'uliik_. The Mando hit it square with his back before slumping to the ground. But he looked back up at Jar Jar, his teeth bared in anger, which was all the resolve that the human needed to push himself back to his feet and charge back for the Gungun.

Another half-minute series of punches and kicks followed, but this time, it ended with the both of them with their hands on the opposing throats. Jar Jar and Snasniss then just stood there as they tried to squeeze the life out of the other by depriving their opponent of precious oxygen.

Ten seconds passed, and it ended when they simultaneously pulled each other in for a headbutt that they stumbled back from. But it was Snasniss who recovered first, and he took advantage as he charged at Jar Jar.

But the latter recovered only a second later, and he needed only half a second more to react to Snasniss's incoming attack.

It was that half-second that he got which earned him a punch for the Mandalorian's throat. Snasniss reeled back from the strike as he choked on the attack. Jar Jar seized the advantage and delivered a finishing snap-kick up the Mandalorian's jaw. The human stumbled back further, stunning him for several seconds, seconds that allowed Jar Jar the time to hit the locking mechanisms on Snasniss's _besalisk_ armor before yanking it from his opponent's body. The Gungun then swung the armor around once and finished his human opponent off by using the leading edge of the armor to decapitate Snasniss.

Before the Mando's body even hit the docking bay floor, Jar Jar dropped the armor to the floor and turned to leave. But he stopped abruptly once he heard the charges of dozens of blasters at his back.

Without warning, he quickly bent down, swiped up his dual blasters, and leaped up into the air before the Mandalorians in the docking bay could fire their shots. And in the five seconds that the Gungun was airborne, he managed to spin in place and fire off a near-impossible rate of rapid fire that gunned down two dozen Mandalorians in two seconds. When he was down, he leaped up again and took advantage of the surviving Mandalorians' stunned distraction over what just happened to gun more of them down. When he landed again, he downed the last dozen Mandos without flipping back up into the air again while dodging their desperately-fired shots.

Once the last of them were down, it was only then that Snasniss's decapitated body had finally collapsed to the floor.

Jar Jar then holstered his blasters and looked around. "Hmm," he muttered to himself, "looks likka none of dese Mandos need their armament anymore. Dis shouldn't take long."

Ten minutes later, Jar Jar had his Nubian fighter restocked with weapons - albeit less advanced and less destructive than his own weapons - and was back in hyperspace.

Next stop; Mandalore, where he might as well end this war.


	14. Chapter 14

Han and Leia stood before the _Falcon_'s airlock as C-3PO stood next to it. The droid was ready to introduce the ship's first guests for the Mandalorian negotiations in time for Mirta Gev, her helmet clipped to her belt, stepping onto the deck of the _Falcon_ with two helmeted Mandos of her own.

"May I present to you," Threepio said to the Solos, "Mandalore Mirta Gev and her entourage... um..."

"There is no need to address them," Mirta said with a wave. She redirected her attention to the Solos. "Captain Solo, Jedi Solo, it is a pleasure to meet you both once again." Her tone was strictly diplomatic, and contained no hint of any genuine sincerity.

Leia offered the leading Mando a nod just as strictly formal and fake in courtesy. Han only presented himself as completely unreadable so that he wouldn't get the negotiations off to a bad start before they even began.

"Would you like to take your seat, Mandalore Gev?" Leia asked.

Mirta nodded wordlessly and proceeded to follow the Solos to the _Falcon_'s lounge, which was specially prepared for the negotiations. A large, circular table was placed squarely in the center of the room with two chairs in total, one opposite the other, for the purposes of the negotiations. As it was felt that the ship that transported her and her bodyguards to the _Falcon_ had departed from the latter, Mirta sat in the chair that would offer her a view of Belok Rhal when he would enter the lounge while her bodyguards stood at either side behind her.

Han, Leia, and Threepio then returned to the _Falcon_'s airlock and waited for the next ship, the one transporting Rhal over, to arrive. Roughly half a minute after the _Falcon_ reverberated slightly with its docking of Rhal's vessel, the door opened to reveal a lone helmeted Mandalorian who promptly stepped inside.

"Belok Rhal, I presume?" Leia asked. She was about to ask him why he didn't show up with a retinue of bodyguards when his next action cut her off.

The Mando reached both hands up to his helmet and pulled it off, only to reveal a light-skinned human male with several scars running along his grinning face.

Only it wasn't Belok Rhal.

"Guess again," the Rhal imposter said as he pulled out a small thermal detonator from his helmet. Without any hesitation, he pushed down on the detonator's button.

A millisecond before the explosion went off, however, Leia had already erected a Force-shield to redirect the brunt of the explosion's impact away from her and Han. Nevertheless, the impact wave was still powerful enough to throw the Solos and Threepio back across the docking ring.

They had scarcely hit the deck on their backs before the vacuum of space started to pull them right back for the airless void ahead. Once again, though, Leia managed to anchor herself firmly in place with the Force while simultaneously using her free hand to catch Han by the wrist from being blown out.

Unfortunately for Threepio, he had escaped Leia's attention in the heat of the moment and had ended up riding along the wave of decompression, screaming all the way.

"What did I do to deserve this?!" the droid tried to scream, even though his words were swallowed up the soundless void of space.

Mirta's bodyguards were just as unlucky. As Leia caught Han, the aforementioned Mandalorians flew from the open entrance of the lounge and out into space, where their advanced armor would protect them from the vacuum long enough for a rescue ship to pick them up. Mirta, meanwhile, caught with her helmet off, still saved herself from death as she caught onto Han's free hand, nearly yanking his arm out of its socket out of the way and almost blowing Leia's concentration from keeping the three of them from dying horribly.

The three of them were left like this for several seconds before the _Falcon_'s emergency internal shields activated, halting the flood of air from escaping out into space and initializing the process of pressurization throughout this section of the ship again. Han and Mirta collapsed to the deck while Leia finally allowed herself to release her Force-hold to the deck, and then, after the sole Mandalorian and the sole man there stood back up, they looked out to find both fleets of Mandalorian ships engaging in battle.

"Of course this happens," Han said with a pointed wave of both arms to the scene before him and the women. "How come I knew this was gonna happen?" His question was completely rhetorical, given the sarcastic nature of his tone.

Meanwhile, Mirta was already answering her ringing comm. "Yeah?" she asked.

"Mandalore Gev," Goran Beviin's voice came through, "are you alright?"

"For the moment, Goran," Mirta answered.

"You want us to send a ship out to get you from the _Millennium Falcon_?" Beviin asked.

"No, keep to the battle," Mirta told him. "I'll be fighting in the _Falcon_."

Just after she said that, the ship rocked to and fro, nearly causing the three of them to lose their footing.

"You two, gun turrets, I'll be piloting," Han said to the women hurriedly. He then hurried off to the cockpit in a hurry, with Leia and Mirta hurrying over to the turrets just as quickly, the three of them still stumbling along as the _Falcon_ continued to take more hits from the battle going on outside.

"I call top!" Leia called as she ran ahead of the other woman.

Mirta offered no objection as the Jedi Knight bounded up to the ladder to reach the dorsal gun turret while she dropped down to land squarely on the seat of the belly turret. They then began firing at the targets that identified Rhal's ships instantly while Han started to pilot the _Falcon_ away from danger as best as he could.

.

Threepio flailed vainly out in space, his screams of fear still cut silent by the fact that there was no sound in space, as warships and projectiles rocketed all about him in battle, accompanied by the wild explosions of ships and the proximity detonations by the concussion missiles and proton torpedoes that littered the battlefield. It was some of these explosions' impact waves that sent him flying about every which way, and yet, even through all of his eerily quiet panic, Threepio couldn't help but think that the Force was on his side.

By all accounts, the odds of him surviving this battle, in any way, were exactly eighty-six thousand, three hundred, and twenty-three to one, and that was assuming that he was just blown apart in a way that he could still be salvaged from.

Threepio's panicked thoughts were further excited - and not in the way he would like to think of it - when a YT-2400 light freighter dropped out of hyperspace in front of him as he continued to tumble toward its direction. He quickly threw up his arms in front of his face so that he wouldn't see how he would be destroyed.

After about five seconds, he found himself to still be completely functional, and he removed his arms away from his face to find that the ship was now gone. Thinking about where it might have gone, he turned in his tumble to find that the freighter - which his visual scanners confirmed to be Mistress Jaina's _Faux Harla_ - now involving itself in the main battle, with all of its weapons blazing at Belok Rhal's warships.

Threepio thought, for several seconds, that he would be doomed to tumble for the rest of his days in space when, once again, another ship dropped out of hyperspace in front of him. The droid threw up his arms again in defense, and once he found himself to still be functioning, he looked up and found that the new ship - a Nubian starfighter, he recognized - was now slowly hovering toward him.

Just as Threepio saw that the pilot was an aged male Gungun, he felt himself jerk abruptly just as his uncontrolled tumble just as suddenly stopped. The next thing he knew, his body was being pulled by an invisible force - most likely a tractor beam, he thought - that brought him facing the starfighter's underbelly.

"You no need to worry," a thick and high-pitched voice registered in Threepio's audio feed. It was coming over a subspace frequency, he realized. "Worrying will only causata your circuits to overloada."

Then Threepio felt the starfighter zoom straight ahead and begin performing deft maneuvers as it involved itself in the battle.

And yet, in spite of the Gungun's insistence to the contrary - for Threepio was quite sure, in spite of himself, that the speaker was this Gungun pilot - the droid began to panic again, his screams still lost in the silent void.


	15. Chapter 15

Exhausted and dehydrated almost to the point of death, Taggert crawled along the scorching hot Tatooinian sands along his belly with what little strength he could still muster.

It had been close to two days since he had a decent drink of water, and he had only survived this long because, from time to time, he would sit down in a shady, cool area, shit out a hat, and fire one of his ass blasters on the sand beneath him to collect precious water moisture into that hat. He would lick away what precious moisture he could use to keep himself above the point of death.

But now he just didn't have it in him anymore. If he didn't get two gallons of water in his system, he felt, he was going to die, and little water droplets weren't going to cut it anymore.

If there was a hell, Taggert thought, then he hoped he would meet Space Cop there and beat the shit out of him for all that he put him through in their ridiculous adventures.

As if in response to his thoughts, a large shadow fell over him. He looked up and found a sandcrawler looming large above him. The great vehicle stopped, and moments later, its ramp extended out from its left side.

Space Cop then walked out with an arrogant gait and headed over for his friend at a leisurely pace.

Taggert then let his head collapse against the sand, not in unconsciousness, but in irritation.

When Space Cop stood over him, the human said, "Artoo? Artoo-Detoo, it is you! It is you!"

"Yes, yes, we're on Tatooine and have ended up in practically the same situation as See-Threepio and Artoo-Detoo," Taggert rasped indignantly. "Now get me some water."

"What's the magic word?" Space Cop asked in his mocking tone.

"Please?" Taggert growled.

"And?"

"Thank you."

"And?"

Taggert looked up at Space Cop in wonder. "And what?"

"Say, 'I'll suck your dick for you, Space Cop.'"

"What?!"

"Okay, okay, we'll get you some water," Space Cop said reluctantly. He turned back to look out to the two Jawas who stood on the ramp. He waved at them. "Hoo-teetee, hoo-teetee, teetee-teetee, titty-titty, Scarlett Johansson's massive tits!"

"Hoo-teetee!" both the Jawas responded before hurrying after Space Cop and Taggert to pick up the latter by his arms and legs before Space Cop followed the aliens back for the sandcrawler.

A little while later, after Taggert had been hydrated again as he sat down on a seat in the sandcrawler, he was then met not only by Space Cop, but two surprise guests.

"Fuckbot!" Taggert exclaimed as he jumped up from his seat and ran over to to his fuck buddy to hug him.

"Oh, Simon, I Have Missed You So!" Fuckbot replied as he embraced his lover.

Once they were done reveling in their embrace, Taggert stepped back as he fully took in the presence of their other guest.

"I Am Jiah Laiko," the Mandalorian introduced herself. "I had been tracking Fuckbot since Badda Snasniss took him from the two of you." She indicated both Taggert and Space Cop. "After I was assured that Snasniss and the Mandalorians that he had at his beck and call were dead, I went over to the space station where Fuckbot was and repaired him before returning here."

"But why did you do that?" Taggert asked, obviously suspicious.

"Because I need the help of all three of you," Laiko explained.

"For what?" Taggert inquired.

.

Ever since Jaina strapped her to the _Faux Harla_'s medbay examination table, Vestara felt no need to struggle; it was a pointless, futile endeavor, and she had been given a Force-repressing sedative, derived from the blood of ysalamari, that was concocted by Jedi Master Cilghal for just this kind of thing.

But now, as she felt lives wink out by the dozens, Vestara began to struggle.

Jar Jar was here. And she knew... She knew...

Something that Vestara didn't tell Jaina was that if either she or Tahiri Veila met Jar Jar...

Her train of thought was immediately cut off as she stopped struggling. She felt something terrifying stare back at the foot of her bed. Hesitantly, and reluctantly, she looked up to find an all-too familiar presence staring back at her.

Plinkett.

Immediately, the Sith went back to struggling, with more panic this time. Miraculously, however, even with the Force still repressed from her use, the straps broke like tissue paper and she rolled off the table to unceremoniously fall to the floor. She turned to her back and looked back at the medbay exit, where Plinkett was standing.

He wasn't there anymore.

Vestara had to tell Jaina, even if the Jedi would kill her for her escape. The Sith stood up and rushed for the exit, only to find it locked.

Of course the Fels would keep the door locked in case she escaped. Vestara rolled her eyes in annoyance. She then looked around for something to use to bust the door open with. Her lightsaber was out of the question, as it was neither on her belt nor was it anywhere else in the medbay. Jaina must have taken it as a safety precaution.

Now Vestara needed some other, more clever way to escape. A thought occurred to her, and she hurried over to the medical cabinet. If only...

Just as she found bottles of medicines that she knew could combine to form an acid against the door, the medbay exit opened behind her. She turned and found Jagged Fel pointing his blaster at her.

"We saw you on the vidcam," he said, using his free hand to point to a spot on the wall that Vestara failed to notice in her panic. "Now put the medicines down and nobody gets hurt."

"Fine, but, Jag, listen to me..." Vestara said as she placed the medicines down on the deck.

"Jaina said you might say that," Jag interrupted her. He then fired a stun bolt, and Vestara's consciousness faded to black as she collapsed against the medbay deck.


	16. Chapter 16

After having downed several _Bes'uliiks_ from Mirta Gev's side, Rhal stopped dodging and firing once he saw a Nubian starfighter, with a golden protocol droid stuck to its underside, enter the battle several thousand miles away. He knew that it was going to wipe out his whole fleet even before it started doing so.

He quickly activated his shipboard comm for a fleetwide transmission to all of his own ships. "All forces, fall back! I repeat, fall back! Jump to hyperspace wherever you can! Just leave the system immediately! Don't ask why!" Rhal then deactivated the comm and veered his ship away to leave Mandalore's gravity well for hyperspace.

Alas, however, Rhal's command was in vain. The Nubian starfighter blew through the remaining Death Watch _Bes'uliiks_ before any of them had a chance to enter hyperspace - either with its own projectiles, projectiles between the _Bes'uliiks_, or the help of the Mando fighters loyal to Gev - in a matter of two minutes.

And Rhal was the last of his own side in the battle. And he found himself surrounded in a ring-pattern by a still-strong army of Mandalorian starfighters, with both the _Millennium Falcon_ and the Nubian fighter right in front of him.

Rhal's shipboard comm pinged, and he answered it.

"Rhal," Mirta Gev's voice came through, "I'm only giving to give you one chance here. Surrender or die."

"And how do I know I won't die anyway if I come peacefully?" Rhal asked.

"You're really in no position to know that," Gev replied. "However, I have promised Grand Master Skywalker, for the sake of the Jedi Order, to spare your life and send you into exile if you are found guilty in a fair trial under the Mandalorian nation."

"Since when did you care about what the Jedi think, Gev?" Rhal growled.

"_Since_ I invited them to these now-failed negotiations, Rhal," Gev answered. "And call me Mandalore, if you do not wish to join the ranks of the _Cuy'val Dar_."

Rhal ground his teeth angrily. To be one who no longer exists, which was what _Cuy'val Dar_ translated to from _Mando'a_, was a greater shame than to be called an _a__ruetii_, a traitor, or a _hut'uun_, a coward. If Rhal was going to have any chance of mounting another resistance against Gev again, he really had no choice but to operate. He may not have much left to lose at this point, but he was going to keep to what he had by whatever means necessary.

"Fine, Mandalore Gev," Rhal conceded reluctantly. "I humbly surrender on behalf of the Death Watch."

"Hmm," Gev replied with a disappointed tone. "I was honestly hoping you would make a futile last stand against me, Rhal. Would've been a lot more interesting, and it'd've been nice to get rid of scum like you from this nation. But, since you made a smart decision, I guess I just have to abide by it. Prepare for transfer to the Firespray that's coming your way."

Rhal looked in the direction of the aforementioned vessel that flew his way, and he readied his suit against the vacuum of space for transfer to the other ship.

.

"Han, Leia, thank you for your help," Mirta said to the Solos at the _Millennium Falcon_'s airlock. The three of them were now waiting for the transport that brought the Mandalore here to take her back. "You have my gratitude and the gratitude of the entire Mandalorian nation for your assistance against the Death Watch."

Han and Leia both nodded wordlessly.

"Can we expect you to hunt our asses down again if you're on some sleemo's payroll?" Han asked before her transport ship docked with the _Falcon_.

"Han," Leia said with a chiding tone.

Mirta held up a hand. "Fair question,. Leia. And, Han, you don't have to worry. Since my grandfather died, I inherited his fortune that he made throughout the decades. I won't have to bounty hunt for the rest of my life. In fact, my own grandchildren won't have to bounty hunt. So the fact that I won't come after you shows how grateful I am for your help."

Han nodded sardonically. "At least we know you've let go of the past between us."

By then, the _Falcon_ shuddered slightly with the locking of the transport vessel locking its airlock with Han's legendary ship. Mirta simply turned away without another word and left.

After Han and Leia returned to the _Falcon_'s cockpit, the ship received a transmission that Han responded to immediately.

"Hello?" Han asked.

"Meesa called Jar Jar Binks, and I haveta your humble servant," the voice of a male Gungun replied.

"Oh, Captain Solo, I never thought I would ever say this, but it is so good to hear from you again!" C-3PO's voice replied. "Jar Jar is headed your way to return me to you."

"Wonderful," Han replied sardonically. "We'll unlock the airlock for you."

By the time that the Nubian starfighter, which had Threepio, docked with the _Falcon_, a new ship dropped out of hyperspace.

"Han, what is that?" Leia asked as they looked out through the viewport.

Han looked at both the readouts and the viewport as he squinted to get a better view. "It looks like... a car."

.

"Unidentified craft," the masculine voice said over the carship's commboard, "this is Mandalorian second-in-command to Mirta Gev, Goran Beviin. Identify yourself and state your intentions."

Space Cop pressed a button on his board to respond. "Mister Beviin, this is the carship, my name is Space Cop, and my friends and I are here to meet up with an ally of yours that helped you defeat Belok Rhal and the Death Watch."

"Which one?" Beviin asked.

"The Nubian starfighter," Space Cop said.

A new voice replaced Beviin's. "Space Cop, whatta yousa want?"

"You can wipe out whole fleets by yourself, and yet, you still sound like you just came out of the Special Program of a high school," Space Cop pointed out. "How are you not ashamed of yourself?"

Jiah Laiko swapped Space Cop at the back of his head. "Ow, my head!" Space Cop exclaimed. He turned his address back to Jar Jar. "Alright, look, can you meet up with Jaina Solo Fel aboard the _Faux Harla_?"

"Sure, whatta for?"


	17. Chapter 17

Vestara woke up abruptly and sat up on the cot that she was just sleeping on. She found herself in a dark, featureless cell, no doubt the _Faux Harla_'s brig, she thought.

The next thing she knew, she felt the Force again.

Vestara didn't know how this was possible; she doubted that it had worn off. And even if it did, she had a hard time believing that Jagged Fel would be stupid enough not to give her another dose of that Force-suppression drug before he left her in here. But that didn't really matter now. What mattered was that she could use her abilities to blast her way out of here so she could warn the Fels about-

Plinkett.

Vestara felt his presence behind her, at the head of the cot. She twisted slightly in her spot to take him on - even if it would be a futile gesture - but found that he wasn't there. Instead, laying on the ground where he would have been was a silver platter with several bits of some kind of toasted foodstuffs. A little behind the platter was a box in Auremish that displayed an image of the foodstuffs, with the prominent label saying, **PIZZA ROLLS**.

Curious, Vestara reached out and picked up the box to find a piece of flimsiplast in it. She took it out and it read,

_Enjoy these while you can, Raine. They will be your last meal ever._

_P.S. This is Harry S. Plinkett, in case you didn't get that._

_P.S.S. I made these myself, so you better enjoy them!_

Vestara dropped the note and the box and used the Force to send an invisible wave of energy for the cell door, blowing it out from its hinges. She followed suit to head for the _Faux Harla_'s docking bay, where she felt Jaina and Jag.

.

Aboard one of the many Skipray Blastboats piloted by members of the Jedi Order throughout the galaxy, Ben Skywalker dropped this one out of hyperspace for a minor course correction.

Next to him, his copilot and fellow Jedi Knight Tahiri Veila suddenly seized up in her seat. Her teeth ground in agony as she groaned painfully as she nearly doubled over in her chair, her descent to the floor being halted by her seat's safety harness.

"Tahiri, what's wrong?" Ben asked as he placed a hand on her shoulder.

His eyes widened and his mouth dropped in shock when he saw what was happening to the left half of Tahiri's body. It was now melting into some kind of goo, and her Jedi robes melted with her to form into a multicolored ball that ripped away from the remaining half of her body. The multicolored goo then rocketed out through the bulkhead directly away from Ben, phasing through it like it was nothing.

Ben was now left stunned and speechless over both Tahiri's death and what happened to the cause of it.

.

Just as the Nubian fighter that had C-3PO attached beneath it landed on the deck of the _Faux Harla_'s docking bay, Jaina, who witnessed the fighter's landing with Jag at her side, felt Vestara use the Force. The Sith's presence was now heading in their direction.

Jaina turned to her husband. "Didn't you give Khai more Force-suppressant when you brought her to the brig?"

Jag looked at her in confusion. "Of course I did. Why wouldn't I..." His eyes widened in realization. "She's out and with the Force," he concluded soberly.

"And headed our way," Jaina said as she unhooked her lightsaber from her belt. "You see to our guest, I'll see to Khai."

Jag nodded before his wife headed for the bay's exit to meet the Sith and neutralize her permanently this time.

At that point, the canopy to the Nubian starfighter popped open, and an aged male Gungun jumped out of it to land swiftly on the deck in an able crouch. He stood up, facing Jag, and asked, "Whatta is she doing?" He was pointing to Jaina.

"Stopping a prisoner from trying to kill us," Jag answered.

"Um, excuse me, can someone get me down?" C-3PO asked, still attached to the Nubian's underside.

"Master Fel, wait!" the Gungun called out.

Jaina stopped in her tracks and turned. "What?" she asked.

Simultaneously, just as Jaina felt Vestara enter the docking bay behind her, the Jedi Master's eyes locked onto the Gungun's.

It was this moment that signified Plinkett's full return.

Jaina seized up upon looking into Jar Jar Binks's eyes and Jag ran over to try to do something for her while worriedly calling out her name along the way.

"No," Vestara muttered to herself in despair.

The left half of Jaina's body, along with that half of her robes, melted away into a multicolored goo while the other half of Jaina's corpse collapsed against the deck.

.

"That's our cue," Laiko said as she, Space Cop, Taggert, and Fuckbot watched the multicolored goo shoot out of hyperspace and head for the _Faux Harla_. "Space Cop, go!"

Space Cop then pressed his foot on the pedal and zoomed the carship for the _Harla_'s entrance to its docking bay.

The carship landed without incident next to the Nubian starfighter without any attention as the multicolored goo from space phased through the bulkhead ahead to merge with the goo already in the bay.

"Quickly, grab your proton packs from Fuckbot and shoot that fucking thing before he fully transforms!" Laiko exclaimed as she opened up Fuckbot's chest to take out a weapon that looked like a hose attached to a metal backpack.

Space Cop, Taggert, and Fuckbot followed suit, with Fuckbot being the last to take a proton pack from his chest, before they all exited the carship to stand in a horizontal line facing the forming multicolored goo.

"Careful with these things, guys, it took me a while to shit these things out!" Taggert proclaimed as they formed the line.

Once they were in that line, Laiko said, "Now, remember, guys, this is the only moment where we can cross the streams without wiping out all life in this reality, so let's not waste-"

"Hold on, hold on, hold on," Space Cop said, "I am not going to do this unless we play the theme."

"Space Cop, we don't have time for this!" Taggert told him.

"There's always time for the music that this moment deserves," Space Cop said.

"Fine, Fuckbot, play it," Taggert told the robot hurriedly.

Fuckbot nodded and used one of his hands to bop the top of his head, and then the music that Space Cop thought that this moment deserved began playing.

"_Imma be, Imma be, Imma Imma Imma be, Imma bebebe, Imma Imma be_..."

"You anticipated this moment, didn't you?" Taggert asked Space Cop in anger.

"Swapped out the _Ghostbusters_ theme for _Imma be_ by the Black Eyed Peas while you were all sleeping," Space Cop said with smugness. "Now let's do this!"

They all turned and fired their proton packs for the multicolored goo, crossing the streams in the process.

But it was too late. The goo had fully transformed into the horrifying figure that it was meant to create, and the streams fired toward it fizzled out when they came into the figure's field.

Then everyone the _Faux Harla_'s landing bay beheld that the terror that was...

Mr. Harry S. Plinkett.

"At last, I am free from just appearing sporadically here and there!" Plinkett declared from his wheelchair.

Fuckbot, by then, turned off _Imma Be_.

"Now I can wreck complete havoc upon all of reality, because..." Plinkett trailed off awkwardly. "Um... Ah, fuck it, we've been building to this, so here we go." He then reached out from beneath his chair to pull outthree DVDs.

They were _Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace_, _Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones_, and _Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith_.

"With these movies, I shall transform their badness into an energy source powerful enough to destroy this entire reality!" Plinkett stated to no one in particular.

"Not while I'm here, Plinkett!" Laiko said in a voice that was completely unlike the voice she had been speaking in previously.

"What?" Plinkett asked.

Laiko then reached up to her face and pulled it off to reveal not denuded skin, but that of a light-skinned woman with close-cropped brown hair.

"I let you live last time because of you gave me the confidence I needed to go on in life," the woman disguised as Laiko said. "But now, you must be stopped for good this time."

"Nadine, you ungrateful bitch!" Plinkett growled. "I'll show you for saving me from Hell after George Lucas unplugged my life-support!"

Plinkett's wheelchair then transformed into a giant floating machine gun that he now floated on, and it immediately began firing for Nadine. But the latter was already firing her proton pack to disintegrate all of the incoming bullets before her.

.

"This is your moment, Jar Jar."

Jar Jar heard Waru's familiar booming voice in his head as he watched the standoff between this Plinkett and this Nadine, and he turned to find the honeycomb-like alien standing there before him.

"You must now fulfill your destiny and destroy Harry S. Plinkett once and for all," Waru continued.

"But how can Issa do dat?" Jar Jar asked. "I cannotta kill dissa Plinkett! He is beyond even my-"

"Jar Jar," Waru interrupted. "You can do this."

"But how?" Jar Jar mewed.

Instead of responding, Waru just disappeared again.

Jar Jar didn't waste words trying to call the being back. He just turned back and looked at Plinkett, who was still firing bullets for Nadine.

Narrowing his eyes, the Gungun knew what he had to do.

He broke into a sprint and rocketed for Plinkett, tackling him off of his floating machine gun and plowing him against the deck. The gun stopped firing and clattered to the deck along with its previous owner and his attacker.

But as soon as Plinkett hit the deck on his back, his wrists now bound by Jar Jar's grip on them, he growled, "Jar Jar Binks."

"Issa here to destroy youa, Plinketta," Jar Jar said.

"If your plan was to use Qui-Gon the ysalamari on me, you may wanna look over there," Plinkett said nonchalantly.

Jar Jar looked off to his right, as Plinkett indicated, and found a dead ysalamari with its neck broken.

The Gungun looked back in shock at the human-like being beneath him. "But how youssa-"

"I am too powerful, but more importantly too awesome, to be perished by an animal that's named after a guy whose name is both after an alcohol and who let _you_ live from puunishment," Plinkett replied in a mocking tone. "And it's gin, in case you didn't get that alcohol reference," he added awkwardly.

Plinkett then opened his fists and flashes of dark energy flew from his palms, blasting Jar Jar straight for the ceiling of the docking bay.

But halfway to the ceiling, Jar Jar stopped and just floated there. Plinkett looked back in wonder as the Gungun was suddenly transforming into something dark yet luminous. After a moment, the Gungun completely transformed into a dark energy vortex that everyone still in the docking bay, including Plinkett, were completely astonished by.

Then a being as dark and powerful as Plinkett descended from the vortex. After the new figure arrived, the vortex closed above him, and he landed on his feet from a slow, light descent to face Plinkett, who was now back on his feet in spite of the fact that he needed a wheelchair.

"No way," Jag said as he looked at the new arrival.

"It can't be," Vestara said.

"But it is," Nadine said.

Taggert and Fuckbot looked at each other awkwardly. "You got anything to say?" the gorilla man asked.

"Nope," Fuckbot said. "But maybe Space Cop will- Never mind."

Space Cop had already ceased to give a shit, and he was now watching hentai on his iPhone with small earphones blocking out the grotesquely sensual sounds that he was now listening to. But once he saw Taggert and Fuckbot looking at him, he quickly turned off his phone and ripped the earphones off with mild embarrassment before looking over to the main event.

"Oh, no!" Space Cop said with false sincerity as he clapped his hands to his cheeks. "It's-"

"WHEN IS THE NEXT REVIEW, PLINKETT?!" Palpatine shouted at the only other being as powerful as him.

"STOP SHOUTING AT ME!" Plinkett yelled as he covered his ears with his hands.

"WE WANT IT NOOOWWW!" Palpatine emphasized.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FAAACCCE?!" Plinkett shouted.

"What's wrong with _my_ face?!" Palpatine retorted. "What's wrong with _your_ face?!"

"Look, Palpy, baby, you know by now that my reviews are an annual thing!" Plinkett told him.

"Fuck you, we should be getting a review from you every week, you hack fraud!" Palpatine complained. "You owe the Council of Evil- I mean, the Internet that when you started doing these reviews! I mean, do you really expect those _other_ hack frauds, Mike and Jay, to fill in for you on _Half in the Bag_, _Best of the Worst_, and now the latest show, _Quick Cuts_, while you get to fuck your cat for the eleven months you're gone?! We deserve more content from you because we suck your proverbial dick every chance we get!"

"You can suck my literal dick all you want, the reviews are still gonna be annual, you leather-skinned old fuck!" Plinkett countered. "So go tell that to your Council of Evil, tell 'em they're gonna need a Swiffer Air Jet to suck my cock, and fuck off!"

"Oh, no!" Palpatine exclaimed. "First off, what do you mean _I'm_ old? We're the same age, we went to the same high school! And secondly, I will not fuck off until you give us another hate-filled review of a popular blockbuster movie that the good people on the Internet like to bitch about! Your _Titanic_ review sucked my balls, and not in the good way that Nadine over there once gave to me."

"It's true," she whispered to Taggert. "I thought I could go back to school, but I needed the money, so, you know, he's the Emperor of his galaxy, so he's rich enough to..."

"Well, excuse me for making a review of a movie that I at least half-love!" Plinkett said.

"I will never excuse you until you make a review of either the _Matrix_ sequels or _Prometheus_!" Palpatine said.

"Didn't you see the _Half in the Bag_ review of _Prometheus_?" Plinkett asked. "It's not that bad!"

"Fuck you, it's shit!" Palpatine said. "Everything about that movie is shit, especially Michael Fassbender as David! He was so bad, I thought he was playing a robot through the whole movie!"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Plinkett retorted.

"Plinkett," Palpatine growled, "this is serious! We are talking about the satisfaction of every fan of Red Letter Media, who must have seventy-minute reviews of movies that we fucking despise with a passion every single day!"

"I thought you said every single week," Plinkett said.

"Fuck you, it's day now!" Palpatine said.

"No, fuck you, because that's what I'm gonna be doing until you die, you curmudgeonly asshole," Plinkett said as he started walking toward Palpatine. "So get that curmudgeonly asshole ready, because it's gonna have a twin when I'm through with it."

"Do you have an erection?" Palpatine asked in fear as he looked beneath Plinkett's waist.

"YEEESSS!" Plinkett declared.

"Oh, fuck!" Palpatine exclaimed. He turned to try to run off, but he was quickly grabbed from behind, bent over, and then he began mewing as Plinkett began inserting his erect penis into Palpatine's asshole.

"This is a metaphor for what many Red Letter Media fans think I do to them for not bringing them any reviews like they think they deserve!" Plinkett declared to no one in particular. "Because they're not the reviews they need, but the reviews that they deserve!"

"Hey, speaking of which, why haven't you reviewed _The Dark Knight_?" Palpatine asked, as if he wasn't being anally raped right now.

"BECAUSE I KINDA LIKE MARTIN LAWRENCE!" Plinkett shouted.

"Well, I love Jennifer Lawrence, too!" Palpatine said in a conversational tone. "Who doesn't these days, I mean she's such a great actress! You ever see _Silver Linings Playbook_? Oh, wait, that's right, I'm being raped." He resumed mewing in helplessness.

"Oh, No!" Fuckbot declared. "There Will Not Be Rape Unless I Am Involved!" He then headed for where Plinkett was now raping Palpatine.

"Not without me, you're not, Mister!" Taggert replied indignantly as he followed his robotic lover.

Soon, Fuckbot was now behind Plinkett and fucking him in the ass while still anally raping Palpatine, and then Taggert was also inserting his own hairy boner into Fuckbot's asshole.

"You wanna join 'em?" Space Cop asked Nadine.

"What, no!" Nadine exclaimed indignantly.

Space Cop shook his head. "Alright, fine." He then punched her straight in the face, knocking Nadine out instantly, and then began dragging her unconscious body toward the accumulating rape pile. Once he got there, he asked Taggert, "Hey, Simon, can you shit out a dildo?"

"No problem," Taggert said. Then a blue, six-inch dildo came out of the gorilla man's ass. Space Cop took it, squeezed it to harden its function, nodded at it, then reached down to undo Nadine's pants. He then stripped them off, attached the dildo to her vagina, then propped her up against Taggert's back, inserting the dildo back into his ass for anal penetration, then Space Cop, after undoing his own pants, mounted himself on top of Nadine to rape her as well.

It wasn't long before she woke up, screaming in terror at what was happening.

"I thought you were a cop! Aren't you supposed to stop things like this?!" Nadine exclaimed to Space Cop.

"Yeah, but peer pressure tells me I gotta do this, honey pie!" Space Cop said.

Nadine resumed screaming for all of two seconds before she calmed down and said, "Hmm, I'm really enjoying this! Give it to me harder, Space Cop!" And as her own rapist increased his own rhythm, she did the same to Taggert.

Meanwhile, as all this went on, Vestara and Jag, who now stood side by side watching what was now an event unfolding, simply viewed it with perplexed expressions. They looked at each other in utter confusion before their eyes looked down to Vestara's crotch, which was now bare of both pants and underpants, and a second later, another dildo flew out of Taggert's ass in between Nadine's raping of him, and this new dildo rocketed to attach itself to Vestara's crotch.

"What's happening?!" Vestara exclaimed.

Then an invisible force - the force generated by the rape pile headed by Plinkett - pulled Vestara in so that she was now fucking Space Cop in the ass against her will. Two seconds later, the force that caused this changed Vestara's mind to the point that she became a willing participant. The same happened as Jag's pants and underpants disappeared and he rocketed forward to begin fucking Vestara in the ass next. Jag was then summarily the next target of the rape as the force took even Threepio from his attachment to the Nubian fighter's underside, and his crotch spontaneously created a thick, six-inch golden metallic penis that could be used to rape Jag in the ass.

Not much longer, the _Millennium Falcon_, which somehow shrunk to fit into the _Faux Harla_'s landing bay, landed on the ship's deck, as Han and Leia, responding to the latter's feeling of their daughter's death through the Force (though neither had noticed that the ship had grown smaller), had gone to see what had happened. But before they could even take in what was going on down in the landing bay, the force of the rape pile flung them straight through the _Falcon_'s forward viewport so that they rocketed headlong toward the rape pile, with another dildo ready to be used for Leia before she began fucking her husband in the ass, with Han now fucking the droid he long thought insufferable, Threepio, in the droid's mysteriously-created ass hole.

From there, it wasn't much longer before everyone else gathered in the Mandalore system were ripped away from their ships by the invisible force to the _Faux Harla_ docking bay to fuck each other, with dildos popping out of Taggert's still-pounded ass for the females there. At this point, the vacuum of space ceased to matter, and then, after a few minutes, the _Faux Harla_ came apart from all the still-loving, raping bodies that were involved, both Jedi and Mandalorian alike. Even Luke Skywalker was now amidst the fray fucking his own sister in her vagina among the now entangled rape pile, with his dick going up against Han's ass, as well, making it a mini-three way between the galaxy's three most powerful heroes. And Mirta Gev was being fucked in her own vagina by Belok Rhal, who himself was being fucked by Goran Beviin, who was being fucked by his own lover, Medrit Vasur, and so on and so forth.

And then force of the rape cluster spread out quickly through the galaxy, taking in everyone else - sentient, non-sentient, and microbial - who existed to fling them from wherever they were - ripping them through hyperspace without killing them - to join the rapidly-growing rape cluster that Mr. Plinkett was still somehow leading in what was now officially a mess, something that wasn't even broken with even the living world of Zonama Sekot appearing somewhere in all of this to sprout a tiny yet long-enough dick to fuck a Wookiee in the ass.

And yet the rape cluster continued to grow, spanning several systems in mere seconds. And this came from the beings who existed in far-off galaxies, who came over in exactly seconds. At this point, the whole universe was involved.

But Plinkett was not yet done. In milliseconds, every being across the Multiverse was involved in what would be known as Plinkett's Orgy.

Once every being in the entirety of the Multiverse was involved, Mr. Harry S. Plinkett felt a sudden urge.

"Oh, God!" he said among the writhing masses of people raping each other.

"Yes, my child?" God asked from His far-off position from Plinkett, in which he was committing incest with his own son, Jesus Christ.

"I'm gonna cum! I'm gonna cum!" Plinkett said.

And then he came.

From there, he screamed in pain as all of his sperm was unleashed in a single glorious second, coating the entirety of the Multiverse in seconds, until his semen was the only thing to exist throughout the Multiverse.

"Oh, God, I can't stop cumming!"

When the cum cleared, Plinkett found himself and Palpatine to be the only things left in the white that was left by his all-encompassing semen, wherein they floated in the vast emptiness caused his by his orgasm.

"What the fuck was that?!" he asked Palpatine in total confusion.

"My only complaint about all this was that I never found anybody I could love in the infinite vastness of reality," Palpatine said in sadness.

They then heard a whistling sound come from above, and they looked up to find a blue energy beam being fired in their direction.

"This is for reality!" Taggert called, his ass now emitting the Hadron Collider. "We need to get it back!"

"Oh, flip!" Plinkett and Palpatine said simultaneously.

The beam then passed through him, killing him instantly, and from there, not only was a new universe created in its wake, but the entirety of the Multiverse as well.

As for Taggert, he was now standing back on the deck of the _Faux Harla_. With him were Space Cop, Fuckbot, Nadine, Jag, Vestara, Jaina - who was alive again - and the _Millennium Falcon_ behind them, which was out in space. Han and Leia, at the cockpit, could see that their daughter was alive and well.

But that wasn't on their minds right now.

"I Vote That We Forget That This Ever Happened," Fuckbot said.

"Agreed," Nadine said.

"Yep," Space Cop said.

"Definitely," Taggert followed.

And everyone throughout reality followed suit in their agreements, regardless of what separated them, for they all knew that they would never talk about Plinkett's Orgy again.


	18. Epilogue

Following Plinkett's Orgy, Vestara Khai was given a full week's head start from the Jedi Order's pursuit of her for her role in Mr. Plinkett's downfall, that being of recruiting Jar Jar Binks in the first place. The Mandalorian nation returned to normal under Mirta Gev's leadership, with the Death Watch now being a fractured, leaderless underground movement that was unlikely to go anywhere ever again.

And now, on one of Commenor's many beach resorts, where people of various species frolicked and had fun, Space Cop, Taggert, and Fuckbot were sitting and sipping their drinks around a table with their Rek friend, Klay Bausnam, and his girlfriend, the Twi'lek Bagisla.

"So, Klay, how's your sex life?" Space Cop asked with a pale imitation of a not-quite-French accent.

"Well, aside from Plinkett's Orgy that no one in the Multiverse should ever talk about," Klay said, completely oblivious to his irony, "Bagisla and I have been doing nothing but making love here on Commenor after you dropped us off; you know, to keep us away from that Mandalorian civil war thing that went nowhere."

"You mean haven't gotten any jobs or anything like that?" Taggert asked.

"Oh, no, making love is our jobs," Klay said. "We've been hiring ourselves out as prostitutes on this planet. And I'm not sure if this is a good thing, but I've been making more money than Bagisla over here."

"Well, hey, if you didn't stick me at home to make you sandwiches, maybe I'd make more money than _you_," Bagisla said with condescension.

"A Woman Making Sandwiches?" Fuckbot retorted. "My God, What A Revolutionary Idea!"

Suddenly, a portal of white light appeared behind Space Cop, and everyone, including those nearby who were frolicking around the beach, turned to look at who was coming out of this portal.

At that point, everyone's asses clinched in preparation for another potential cross-reality orgy, for this was how the first one started.

But instead of Mr. Plinkett or some other demonic being emerging, it was only a simple, light-skinned human male with dark hair, a five-o'clock shadow, and who was slightly overweight. With him was a small satchel.

"It's the Commissioner of Space!" Taggert said.

"Not anymore, Taggert," the former Commissioner said. "It's just Mike now. The police force fired me for letting you and Space Cop off the force because of the fact that you stopped Plinkett."

"So why are you here?" Taggert asked.

"I've come to pick up Space Cop to take him back to our reality," Mike said. "Or, since he's not a cop anymore, I've come to take Rich Evans home with me."

Space Cop took off his glasses and narrowed his gaze menacingly at Mike. "Whutcha you talkin' 'bout, Mike?"

"C'mon, Rich," Mike said as he nodded his head back to the portal still behind him. "We gotta get back home to do the next episode of _Best of the Worst_!"

"Wait," Space Cop said, "you mean you..."

Mike nodded and took out what looked like Space Cop's head from the satchel. "Jay and I found out that this was a robot all along, Rich, who had been doing all those reviews with us since you replaced him after we did the _Episode III_ review," Mike said. "And that was after it developed love for Jessi and tried to kill me to claim her as a prize." He turned his attention to the others around the table. "Jessi is my girlfriend, in case you didn't know."

Space Cop - no, Rich Evans - sighed in defeat and stood up in his chair to approach Mike, his head held low in despair. "I knew I should have bought that package that kept robots from developing sentience," he muttered to himself.

Without anymore fuss, Rich followed Mike through the portal, which disappeared after they were gone.

"I'm gonna miss him," Klay said.

"Me, Too," Fuckbot added.

"To Space Cop," Taggert said as he raised his glass of juice to the air in a toast.

"Who are you talking about?" Klay asked.

"The guy who just left," Bagisla supplied.

"Aren't you supposed to be making sandwiches right now?" Klay asked.

"Hey!" a booming, feminine voice called from behind.

Everyone around the table turned around to find Guipa Uhaji standing a little way away from Klay. With the Zabrak was a female Gamorrean.

"Bausnam," Uhaji said, "this lady over here would like you to escort her back home."

The Gamorrean eyed Klay with obvious desire, which made it abundantly clear what she wanted when the escort was done.

Like Rich Evans before him, Klay stood up with his head hung low and approached the Gamorrean to join her side. The two then walked off toward a nearby apartment building, a location that, realistically, not even the Gamorrean needed an escort for.

.

"So, Rich," Mike said now that he and his fatter friend were back in the Red Letter Media studio, "to welcome you home, we set up for you to do the next _Best of the Worst_ episode with Wheel of the Worst!" Mike then pointed enthusiastically toward the wooden wheel on his right, which had several movies on it.

"Let me guess," Rich said, his tone dripping with defeatism, "we spin the wheel, and whatever that pointer lands on, we watch, no matter what."

"That's right, and we do it three times," Mike said. "So, let's look at what videos we have, and then you can have the first spin."

"Okay," Rich said, then went over to the Wheel of the Worst with Mike.

After they listed off the films and videos that were listed - which included _Tree Stand Safety_, _The Shoji Tabuchi Show_, _Magic Star Traveler_, _Dancin' Grannies Mature Fitness_, _Cat Sitter_, _Massage: The Touch of Love_, _The Exterminator_, and _Nukie_.

"Mike," Rich said once they were done going through the films, "if we ever watch this-" He pointed to _Nukie_ "-we are going to have to find out who the fuck gave us this and track him down and murder the shit out of him until he dies."

"I agree," Mike said soberly as he took out a bottle of beer, opened it up, and drank from it. When he was done on his first sip, he said, "But only after we finish this episode."

"And I can fuck Jessi," Rich added.

"No," Mike stated.

"Well, shouldn't you let her have her say?" Rich asked.

"No!" a feminine voice called from behind the camera that was now filming Mike and Rich.

"So you don't wanna have a say?" Rich asked, hopeful.

"No, I mean I won't have sex with you, Rich," Jessi said.

"Fuck," Rich said. "Even after I gave you _Thunderpants_?"

Jessi nodded.

"Damn," Rich said. "But we still get to kill the motherfucker who gave us Nukie, if we ever watch it."

"Agreed," Mike said. "Hey, wait, wasn't it the robot who gave Jessi _Thunder_- Ah, fuck it, spin the wheel, Rich."

And then Rich spun the Wheel.


End file.
